myself as having this ability. The ability grew in a very strange way out of the amazing definition of the word hope which is expectation and desire combined.
The reason I say 'strange way' is because I never specifically hoped to be able to draw, because I never knew myself to have this ability. However, beginning last year when I began coloring mandalas and then moved into working with an imaging method of self exploration called Soul Collage in which a 'picture' is created using images cut from magazines, I found myself thinking 'I wish I knew how to draw. I wish I knew how to make my own images. The more I played with the two methods of being 'artistic' the more the desire, I wish I knew how to draw flowed through me.
So in that paragraph I can see that I, in fact, did have a desire to be able to create a picture of my own. However there is that other component of the process of hope which is expectation. Which reminds me, right now I'll tell you the difference between hoping and wishing: hope is desire plus expectation, whereas wishing is just desire without action or energy being attached to the desire. The difference between the two conditions is that when you hope for something you are adding 'oomph' to the desire with the energy of expectation.
The energy of expectation is a fascinating concept as expectation is defined as your state of being. It is in fact, what you intend. The problem with 'expectation' in real life however, is that we are often pretty much unconscious of our state of being that is impacting our intention or we in fact do know what our state of being is, however we remain kind of oblivious to the fact that our 'being' is creating our intention because we justify our state of being. Truth be told, the energy of life really does not care whether or not your state of being: irritation, anger, resentment, bad mood, poor attitude, belief it is not possible: whatever it is, justified or not, the energy you live in is created by your state of being. In reality, the easiest way to change your life is to realize that there is no such thing as reasonable justification.
You see, if you decide that there is no reasonable justification for a poor attitude, or lousy mood then you are able to understand that you can have whatever state of being you make up your mind to have. This does not mean you will always 'feel' good or happy, it does not mean that you will not face truly difficult situations, it does not mean that some days you will be happy to see the day come to a close when you go to sleep. What it means is that you can choose methods of living that create buoyancy.
Buoyancy is actually a Buddhist principle describing one of what is referred to as 'constructive' states of being. Constructive refers to the idea that such a state of being is 'worthwhile' in that it can be used to build with or create. The state of buoyancy is generally coupled with the ideas of equanimity and balance.
I happen to love the word buoyant as it brings a wonderful image to mind in terms of creating a state of being that can be used to construct an attitude. Buoyant means able to float. If an object is buoyant, then when you toss it into water, the force of the throw might submerge it initially, but by it's nature, it will seek it's way to the surface and then bob along the top with the waves.
About six years ago I began working with Buddhist principles of living as a means to creating a new framework for thinking about and dealing with, a difficult time in my life. At the time, I was not buoyant: I was 'dense' with worry, confusion, anxiety and stress from learning a new way of living. When I say 'dense' I mean that the worry, confusion, anxiety and stress had me clenched tight. It was also during this particular time of living that I came to understand the idea that 'being justified' in states of being that create 'density': resentment, anger, anxiety, fear, worry, stressful thinking, irritation and hostility is just plain worthless.
I came to the understanding of the 'worthlessness' of justification because in fact I was justified in all of those feelings because of the kind of major life transition that was happening. However, what I discovered was that 'justifying' only allowed me to clench harder at the difficulty. As long as I justified clenching and clinging onto feelings that created 'density' I would definitely sink instead of float. I wanted to learn how to float.
Think about what is needed in order for an object to float in the water. In order to float, the object must have air pockets. If all or the majority of the air has been 'sucked out' we call the object dense, like a piece of iron or steel. If the object has a good ratio of air to density {and I have no idea of what that scientific equation looks like} then it will bob along on water, like balsa wood or an inflatable raft. Once I had this picture firmly in my mind I was able to understand that in order to be buoyant during the difficult transition I was going through I would need to add 'air' to my state of being.
Right now I'll reiterate another point I have made several times: focus on what you want and take your eyes off what you do not want. In order to achieve 'buoyancy' I needed actions - work - practices - that would infuse 'air' where I was clenched. If instead of adding practices to pump in 'air', I had chosen to loosen my grip by focusing on 'the problem' I'd still be miserable. Why? Because the more you look at clenched and clinging fingers, the stronger they will grip.
So how did I add 'air' to my poor clenched state of being? The beginning place was actually by choosing to study a new way of thinking which was Pema Chodron's book Comfortable With Uncertainty. I 'studied' the book with reading, underlining and by thoughtfully inwardly digesting what I had read. I read only one passage each day. I committed myself to time for this reading, studying and reflection probably five days out of seven. When I say 'study' I mean that I read a little, underlined, wrote questions in the margin and read again. Actually I needed to do all of that because the thinking used in the writings was so different from what I was used to that I was unable to 'understand' what I read just by reading. This lack of ability to easily comprehend coupled with commitment to keep doing the practice was actually what created 'air' loosening my clenched being. The air was being pumped in by new learning. Not simply new 'reading' but learning that came from studying and mulling on and pondering the idea that was presented to me that day.
Day after day I did these actions and slowly I began to feel a loosening in my state of being. About this time I added a new candle to my altar. When I light a candle in the morning I say aloud a specific intention and/or thank you. As the flame from the match catches the wick of the candle I 'see' the flame and know that my intention is alive for the day. My new candle was lit with the words thank you for the gift of "I don't know" which allows the Spirit of Life space within me to move around.
I chose the intention 'I don't know' very specifically as I had learned that when a person is in a situation that is new and unfamiliar, or is difficult or is not necessarily a situation they would be in if they had a choice, or is uncomfortable the tendency is to 'fix' the situation by attaching an answer; a certainty; a knowing to what they are experiencing. Why would we humans do this? Because 'knowing' and feeling 'certain' or 'justified' gives a brief sensation of security. And when life is feeling uncertain or uncomfortable even the briefest sensation of security is pleasurable. The problem is we funny, funny humans often confuse the sensation of pleasure with being correct. Which means that we funny humans often convince ourselves that we know the 'right' answer just because we like how we feel when we come up with it. Once I had my 'ah-ha' experience with the reality I decided to give energy to 'not knowing' which is how the candle came to be.
When I discovered 'not knowing' I also learned the trick of when I felt really anxious or fearful and could 'hear' my mind having about six conversations about the what and wherefores of life, I would stop myself and ask,"Mary, do you know that to be an absolute fact?" Or, I might stop myself and ask "Mary, what do you know to be an absolute fact of reality right now in this moment?" This question also helps pump 'air' into our state of being so we may be less dense and more buoyant because when the question is asked, we stop (even if only briefly) our emotional clenching.
So what does all of this have to do with the Sunflower Goddess Mandala I created? Actually a couple things. First of all, the sunflower represents the 'air' I pump into myself each and every day: time honoring the Spirit of Life which gives me light and asks only that once I receive the Light I make it my intention to radiate this Light in my activities and interactions. Do I do this perfectly? Not even close. But a whole lot better than I used to be able to and since it is the guiding intention of my day, this Light fills me with the buoyancy necessary to bob along the waves of the day. Deliberately creating time to spend honoring the intention of your life is key to creating buoyancy.
But here's the other amazing thing about learning buoyancy and the 'I don't know' intentional mantra or prayer: very, very slowly and equally surely, I began to stop limiting myself in what I had the capacity for accomplishing. And so, a couple years after I began lighting this candle of intention each day, I found myself coloring mandalas and then creating Soul Collages and during these activities I formulated the desire I wish I could create my own images. And guess what the big change was that allowed my creation of images to come to being? Expectation. Hope is desire plus expectation and what had occurred was that I no longer was hindering my capacity to learn by expecting that I would be incapable of learning. In other words, I did not say 'I wish I could draw images but I know I can't.' To be honest, I did not even think 'of course I can draw images.' What I did was simply stay out of the way while I continued the actions of creating and strengthened the desire.
The ability to get your ego (that's the self who does all the clenching) out of the way while continuing the actions that create and strengthen what you desire is one of the wonderful gifts of practicing buoyancy.
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