A favorite aspect of list making is being able to check off what I have done. In fact I enjoy this activity so much that when I have made a very detailed list for a day, if I accomplish something not on the list, I then add it so I can have another item crossed off. Seeing a list with lots of lines emphasized with a slash across them makes me very happy.
Not only I in favor of the satisfaction of list making, but I am heartily in favor of any action, no matter how small, that adds a bit of happiness to my day.
This value of list making for setting an internal compass was learned twenty some years ago when I was given an assignment by a therapist I was seeing. I had begun seeing the therapist because I was completely overwhelmed by the life I found myself living: three children born in just over three years, three major moves across the country, a stint of having moved back into my parents home while pregnant with the third child, and an all consuming physical and emotional exhaustion resulting from what I just listed, all of which had taken place in span of about five years.
At this time, I was miserably unhappy. I do not do suffering gracefully. By nature I am an optimist with a strong tendency to look for the good in life. The impetus to see a therapist was propelled by the discovery that I was unable to 'make' myself feel better and as a result the world was considerably more 'grey' than I was willing to accept. Today I would be diagnosed as 'depressed' which would be accurate, and then put on anti-depressants. Fortunately this was a long time ago and rather than being drugged I was given a homework assignment.
The homework assignment however was not given until the fourth week of seeing Bill. During the first three weeks the dynamics of our relationship were simple: benign chatting followed by his asking "how are you feeling?" I would begin to respond and rather quickly my words would become water-logged as I began crying; the crying would turn into inarticulate sobbing which would slow down into an exhausted weeping.
Fortunately Bill was an experienced therapist who understood that providing me a compassionate presence with whom I could physically release my pent-up grief, was a solid beginning to establishing a foundation for wholeness. Three weeks of crying though was enough and fortunately Bill was experienced in this process and knew that anymore time devoted to sorrow would only become an indulgence of self-pity. Since the goal of the sessions was to show me how to work back to a wholeness of self which requires an acquisition of internal strength and since self-pity does exactly the opposite: pity weakens rather than strengthens, Bill began to move me in the direction of discovering strength.
Discovery of strength is always a process that involves work. Work is defined very simply as the deliberate use of energy toward a determined goal or intention. In order to become stronger we need to work the 'muscles' needed for strength in the area of living we have determined is our intention. If we intend to run a marathon we engage a process of strengthening our body; if we intend to create positive currents of energy in our thought process, we engage practices i.e., work, which strengthens the mind.
As someone who was emotionally exhausted, I needed to strengthen the currents of energy that pointed me toward my true self. Knowing this need, Bill gave me the following assignment: I was to get a new notebook and each day for one week I was to write a list of 10 'wants.' The rules regarding the listed 'wants' was that there must be at least 10 each day; if a want was so strong it reappeared then write it down however, it did not count toward the 10 for that day. Another rule was that the 'want' could only apply to me personally: desires for world peace and happiness for my children were regarded as 'givens' and would not count on my list of 10. I was told to show up for my next appointment with at least 70 wants written in my notebook.
I confess that part of an optimistic nature is that the idea of doing something new is always exciting and so I bought a new notebook on my way home from that appointment and was enthusiastic about the idea I had been presented. Thank heavens for enthusiasm because it took only a couple days to discover that this was not an easy assignment at all. Writing those 70 wants was difficult. I mean, painfully difficult. If I had only been assigned two or three days worth of writing wants it would not have been particularly hard but doing this assignment seven days in a row required tenacity, discipline, creative thinking and the willingness to dig down below the surface of what my self had become. Which of course was part of the intention of the assignment. A person does not discover strength until they are forced to employ - work - the muscles needed to accomplish a task.
Before I share any more about what happened with this assignment I will tell you that doing this list is so effective in motivating a person to begin walking a path toward wholeness that I have used it for years as the litmus test when I work with or mentor someone who is desiring the change of growth in their life. I call the assignment a litmus test simply because whether or not the person shows up the following week with a completed assignment is a tell: they have signaled to me whether or not they are willing to take responsibility for their own wellness.
Wellness is a journey taking an entire lifetime and since you will be on it for the rest of your life, what works most effectively is learning how to engage certain actions and processes that encourage health. The particular journey toward wellness and away from acute unhappiness requires a significant change in the way a person is thinking and perceiving life; changes in the thinking will then result in changes of attitude; changes in attitude will create changes in behavior. Each aspect must occur in order to achieve a sense of satisfaction with life because satisfaction in living is entirely dependant upon thinking, perception, attitude and actions.
The mistake a lot of people make when desiring a change from being unhappy is to focus on the weakness - the source of unhappiness - and somehow attempt to negotiate or bargain with that aspect of life and/or themselves. Never works. Yup, just that concrete: never works. Why does it never work? Because negotiating or bargaining with the problem or weakness makes that the focus of intent and so you mistakenly putting all your energy into weakness rather than strength. Doing things in this way however is easier than creating a whole new path which is why people often continue to circle round and round their same set of problems. Which is why I generally give this assignment as a litmus test for it tells me if the person is willing to work.
Writing your way through this whole assignment is hard and difficult work and so doing it indicates a willingness to explore new areas of life. Writing out 70 wants indicates willingness to be open to new information and new ideas. Being open is not an easy attitude to acquire when extremely unhappy or depressed so there must be a willingness to engage the difficult if there is any hope of change.
A major component of my unhappiness at the time was that I had been so consumed with learning new life roles: being a wife and spouse as well as a mother to three young boys, that I had lost touch with my own inner core and as a result was living almost entirely from roles, tasks and problems. My inner self was exhausted and shriveling from lack of nourishment. One of the most beneficial lessons I learned as I began to work on the assignment was how to carve out time dedicated to my own nourishment.
It took only a couple days of being interrupted over and over as I tried to write down words requiring both thought and effort to realize I was not going to get very far doing the work the way I was attempting to do it. While the boys were awake my life was simply too full and when they went to bed and were finally asleep, I was too tired for honest exploration and my brain was fried. Determination is a wonderful asset and I was absolutely determined: resolved to use one's will; make up one's mind to feel better and if this was the path then by golly I was going to figure out how to do it!
As I chewed on what I wanted it became clear that this activity needed to happen before anyone else in the house was awake. I set my alarm for 30 minutes earlier than normal and completely by accident, I discovered the Garden of Eden living on my patio! I learned of a patch of the day that was unused and brand new. I discovered the delight of early morning bird song. I experienced the mysterious awe of watching the light of the sun slowly overtake darkness of night. After doing this activity for awhile, I discovered what myself: Mary felt like when not engaged in responsibilities, roles and tasks or exhausted from those things. I began to engage my inner self in a wholesome and positive way. And by golly, I showed up at Bill's office the next week with 74 individual 'wants' written down.
Want: desire {longing, yearning} for possession of something; awareness of standing in lack of. 'Standing in lack of'' is such a fascinating - and accurate - phrase describing the core of this assignment. To complete the assignment and write out 10 specific desires and longings that I had awareness of not having and therefore wanting required that I discover a piece of time where I could stand alone and be honest with myself about my yearnings. I needed to face the areas of self where I felt hunger, where I felt loneliness, where I felt needy. And then I had to write them down: I owned what I desired. This action is extraordinarily powerful because doing it requires confronting personal and cultural delusions and denials; ideas of what is 'good' and what is 'bad', and your personal worthiness with regard to expressing what you need. This is why it is a difficult assignment to complete.
The power of this action is found in another of the definitions of want which is to call for. To call is to name, to signal, to announce. When a person does the work of carving out time and space to creatively use their will; when a person is willing to dig deep into themselves for discovery (which trust me is necessary after the third day of this assignment and it becomes difficult), when a person is willing to invoke the courage necessary to be honest about, and name, the empty places and hungers of their self a new creative form of energy is being created from the desire and the actions toward the intention. The "work" of the actions builds muscle for the journey.
New creative energy will continue to gather strength and form as long as you are willing to nourish and feed it. Fortunately for me, when I told Bill about setting the alarm for 30 minutes early as to the how I had managed to complete the assignment, he encouraged me to continue that action. We discussed the 'Garden of Eden' I discovered and in the discussion I began to realize the value of those 30 minutes and so I continued that action. After that first week I only set the alarm to get up early 3 or 4 days a week and then I noticed how much I relished my time on the patio so I increased my time to 45 minutes. After a while, I increased the number of days of the week I was engaging this action. All of this occurred over twenty years ago and I have continued doing this action on a daily basis.
This one action is so essential to my sanity that even when I had a job at the airport which frequently required being to work by 4:30AM, I would get up 45 minutes early: 2:15AM so I could experience my little piece of the Garden of Eden. Sometimes I read something nourishing, sometimes I journal or jot notes or ideas into my notebook; always I begin my time speaking aloud my thank yous and appreciations for my life. And I still create lists like the ones I shared in the previous posting.
Why do I create lists? For the same reason I continue the action of carving out a deliberate kind of space to begin my day: actions, including the action of list making, creates energy and the energy of lists grow into form - perceptions and beliefs - and become actions. Here is how I discovered this particular magic the first time.
About a year after I took my list into Bill I was cleaning through one of my stacks of papers, books and notes that grow like weeds in my home and I discovered the notebook containing my original list of 74 wants. Out of curiosity I sat down and began to read what I had written all those many months before. It didn't take much reading before I recognized a pattern and went and found a pen. I began at the beginning and put a check mark next to a want that I come to fruition. Fifty of the 74 had ripened into a reality. Of the 24 that were left, some were in the process of ripening and some I realized I no longer desired and so I crossed them off the list.
The amazing, astonishing, mind-boggling aspect was that I had not deliberately 'worked' at achieving specific wants. Instead I had continued to honor the energy and intention that created the list: I continued to get up early, I created the habit of gratitude and appreciation, I regularly 'nourished' myself with reading that supported my intentions and I continued to jot observations down in a notebook that slowly began to expand into journal writing. I dedicated myself to honoring the process that had put me onto the path of wholeness. Honoring what grants you wholeness is essential of continued creation of positive energy for living.
Dedicate: devote to a specific purpose; commit, surrender, pledge. My unhappiness - my suffering and misery - that I went to a therapist for was rooted in living from my roles, responsibilities and tasks rather than living and doing my roles, responsibilities and tasks from my true self. The regular dedication of morning time was how I indicated to my spirit that I was committed to not starving myself ever again. This was the action that set my compass so it could again point true North. I surrendered a little bit of sleep in order to receive the life-giving energy honoring the Essence of Life. Of all the sacrifices I have made in my life, this one simple act of setting my 'alarm' of intention for rising a little early has easily born the most fruit.
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