Enough

Amidst the rock and mortar there just happened to be enough soil to catch a seed. And, within that bit of soil there just happened to be enough nutrients to nourish the seedling when its tendril snaked out of the cracked seed. And, apparently on that tiny ledge of rock just enough sunlight and rain were bestowed so the seedling grew and thrived.

I love this image for it reminds me that truly, despite how I might feel in a given moment,there is enough of what I need to grow and thrive. How do I know there is enough of what I need to grow and thrive? Well, it has taken a lot of living to be able to answer that question simply enough to be able to live from the answer but what I live from is the knowing that I was chosen to come to earth with gifts and abilities to offer the world. I believe that living from these gifts and abilities is the purpose for my life. I then believe that if I am here to live from my gifts and abilities, then it seems to follow naturally that if my intention each day is to offer these gifts to the world, then what I need in order to thrive will be given to me.

Given the above paragraph what I believe is that there is enough today for me to thrive in living. This was not an easy belief to come to live out of. My head understood the concept but my emotions;those feeling reactions to thoughts my ego throws at me, told me I should be concerned about a long list of what ifs: what if there is no money next month, what if you should break your hand and not be able to write or type, what if something happens that you weren't prepared for, what if your car dies, what if .....

See how I ended the sentence above with 3 dots? That's because the thing about 'what ifs' is that there is no stopping place because 'what ifs' are always about the future and the future stretches into infinity. Once my emotions engage: become involved with or entangled with concern over unknown possibilities in the future there can never be enough of anything: not enough money, not enough food, not enough stuff and certainly not enough love. How can there be 'enough' when worrying about possibilities occurring in the future requires that I try to fill myself and my life with what cannot yet exist?

Before I go any further, let me say that I understand both the concepts of responsible living: being productive enough to cover basic living costs and the concept of planning for future events. I spent all day yesterday in the final planning meeting of the committee responsible for planning the summer camp program at Chapel Rock. I've been working with this committee since February and the first camp will take place in late June so clearly, the planning and preparation occurred 'in the future' as far as camp was concerned. The planning and preparation projects included writing the program, working on the activities of the program, planning the daily schedule, assigning responsibilities for the scheduled activities and buying a ridiculous amount of stuff to make all of it work. Lots and lots of time, energy, gifts and abilities of many people were devoted to planning for the future. Despite all we have planned and prepared to make a great camp experience for the kids, what will actually happen during the camps is a huge 'unknown'.

Now, I could fill up the 'unknown' possibilities with all kinds of worry and hand-wringing: what if one of the counselors backs out; what if an adult staff member can't make their commitment; what if I get sick and can't do the weeks I committed? If I put any emotional energy whatsoever into those questions I would make myself crazy because there is not a darn thing I can do today to deal with those problems. And yet, many people do make themselves at least feel crazy because they invest energy in engaging the worry of unknown possibilities.

Notice how the worries I listed above were all about a possible crises? Concerns about the future almost always entail the fear of losing or not getting. Concerns about the future virtually never center in 'having' because you can only 'have' in the present. But in order to enjoy what you 'have' and understand that for the majority of us, it is most likely 'enough' you have to actually be present to the present.

If that little seed in the image at the top of this page were like the average human being, it never would have thrived and bloomed by nestling into the bit of soil in the crevice of a rock that it landed in because it would have fussed about not having been blown into a garden. If that little seed were a person it could have whined about not having a garden with lots and lots of soil and a drip system of guaranteed water and maybe even a gardener who cooed and praised it for growing and gently pulled out any weeds that were rude enough to try and share its space! And IF that little seed had fussed and whined about where it had landed guess what would have happened? Nothing. That's right; no seedling snaking it's way between the cracks of the stone because if the seed was unwilling to crack open where it was it could not have thrived and become a plant.

Seeds must crack open in order for the tendrils of the future plant to snake out into the soil and then work their way into the light. As persons we also must be willing to 'crack open' in order to thrive in living. What I have learned about this 'cracking open' process of living is that I cannot be clinging to worries that make me fearful about the future and simultaneously be open to what is here in the present. Trust me, if it were possible to do both I would have learned how because I spent a ridiculous amount of my life trying to live in that manner and truthfully, all that happens is a lot of frustration. What I have slowly learned as I struggled with this concept of 'enough' was that by deliberately yielding: softening and therefore neither resisting nor struggling but instead simply being where I was, life became calm enough to live in. When I yielded to the present then the bit of soil I discovered myself to be inhabiting was enough to thrive in.

I like the word thrive as a description of the process of living because thrive means to flourish, advance and develop. To thrive indicates vigorous growth, progress in development and the idea of becoming fuller so the image that is developing becomes visible. And the great thing about that definition of living is that a woman who watched her babies grow into young adults and seeds grow into flowers and strawberries, I know that when life is looked at as a progress of development it can only happen one day at a time. Each day lived with intention creates the energy of flourishing.

When I mothered my boys I knew exactly what I wanted for them in the long term: for each to find their Spirit and honor it. And so what I knew was that if this was my goal then it was my job as a mother to each day look and see each of their spirits and honor it so they could thrive. And day by day through difficult phases and easy phases, through confusion and delight, through tough times and flourishing times and times that scary in what I did not know, I discovered that if I focused on my goal: honoring their spirit so they could fly into the world with an inkling of who they were created to be, then somehow there was always 'enough' present in the day to meet that one goal. There was not always enough money, nor time, nor energy for me to do everything I wanted but there was always enough one day at a time to meet that primary goal of my life as a mother. And that was enough apparently for they are each rather wonderful in their uniqueness and what they offer life - I realize I am not at all objective and they have much - very much - living to do yet, but I know they thrived enough to fly from the tree.

Actually it was by almost losing my sanity trying to be a 'good' mother when the boys were very young that I learned about the concept of enough. I am not a normal 'over achiever' by cultural definitions in that once I figured out that I could not get all A's in school, I really wasn't all that interested in what grade I got (unless I loved the subject or the teacher.) That one statement lets you know that what I am by nature is an 'all or nothing' person: if I am committed or I love I dive head first as deeply as a straight body and pointed toes will take me! Maybe it was the severe sleep deprivation or maybe it was the simple reality that that is a crazy idea to take into mothering, most especially if you have three so closely together. At any rate I was losing my mind which in my lexicon of life means that I felt like a complete and utter failure: my children for one thing did not sleep and they apparently had never read Dr. Spock because they did not behave as 'perfect children' (perfect children slept) so clearly I was not a perfect mother. In my despair - I have always found reading my first line of defense against despair - I picked up a great book by Judith Viorst titled Necessary Losses. I reread this book about five years ago and it is one of my most highly recommended books about all that stuff you need to know about living and no one ever tells you. Anyway Judith talked about the 'good enough mother' and what this idea meant and how if a mother was 'good enough' not only did she have a decent chance of attaining that goal but the kids were also free to be 'good enough.' Her point was that 'good enough' was a win-win situation that benefited everyone.

To me however, the idea of being 'good enough' was appalling: it sounded not good but like a failure! All my life I had been directed my doing toward being 'the best at.' The problem with being the 'best at' is that it is incredibly limiting: I can only be the best at a few things. It's that word 'at' which indicates that if I try or do something I can only succeed if I do the best which in the world of growing up meant 'bettering' everyone else. This attitude will either create a narcissist, an ego-maniac or leave you with a grand inferiority complex. Like most people with the injunction to be 'better than' I was a curious mixture of all three complexes with the inferiority complex having the capacity to fill me with anxiety and hostility which is not a pleasant antidote to either ego mania or narcissism. The combination of those three complexes led to some major problems and in a recovery program I finally learned that I had to give up the idea of 'bettering' everyone in my activities.

What I discovered from working with the concept of being 'good enough' was that it means to simply give my best. That's it just give your best. This is not always an easy attitude to adopt because being human our pride tends to get in the way, and so it is often difficult to give our very best and not need to be better than. But as I learned from working with the concept of 'good enough', when I am willing to begin with the attitude of 'giving my best' then I am am to yield to the present and I am not filled with the anxiety of what everyone else thinks or feels about what I do: I gave my best and that is good enough.

When I am able to truly give my best to a task or intention I naturally yield to living because by giving, the actions I take stop being just about me and my emotional needs and becomes about who, what, or where I am giving best to. When I read about being a 'good enough mother' what was suggested was that I boil the whole 'mothering' thing down to my intention in mothering and give my best to that. Give my best to the motivating intention and let all the other pieces fall into their own order.

I worked with that concept until I knew that what I wanted as a goal of being a mother was to see and honor the spirit within each of my boys so they knew they were loved for the individual they were. And to that single intention I gave my best for that day and all the other pieces came after that intention. It was not always easy to live out of that intention because like most people I would have preferred to 'look' perfect rather than 'good enough' and yet, life was okay because as long as I remembered my intention and gave my best to it that day, no matter how above or below average I was at any of the other tasks and responsibilities, actually I was 'good enough.'

Enough is actually plenty. In our culture of super-sizing, advertising that induces discontent with what is and an entertainment based media telling us that there is always something better waiting for us, enough sounds puny and perhaps lazy. But if you look up the word enough it means sufficient to satisfy and the synonyms are ample, plenty and adequate. So, the attitude of enough for today would simply indicate that I have ample and plenty for what I need and the words 'ample, plenty and adequate' would seem to indicate that I could even thrive on enough. It is possible to thrive, flourish, prosper and grow on enough if you know your intention for living this day.

I can only live today. If knowing this truth, I make the decision to deliberately give the best of my self to living today, then there is enough. If I live with the intention of directing my actions and attitude of this day toward giving my best in order for my gifts and abilities to thrive and be given to the world then eventually my intention will develop and 'become visible' in the world.

At this point in my life, my purpose; what I am giving the best of me to, is writing this book. When I first conceived this intention I was tied up in knots worrying about how I would get it done and if it would get published and how would I live while doing it and would I succeed or fail and should I ... and what if and ...... and finally I just made it my intention and yielded to my decision. Yielding meant giving my life over to my intention. Yielding to my decision meant rearranging my priorities and my expenses and my desires; yielding meant learning a whole bunch of new skills and a new ways of thinking in order to begin; yielding meant opening myself as widely as I was able to each day to the energy of willingness; yielding meant surrendering to love without any idea of what would happen. Yielding meant learning to ask rather than always being the one who did.

Yielding meant believing that there was enough in this day if I gave my best to it. Yielding meant knowing that if I gave my best I would flourish and thrive one day at a time. And you know what? One day at a time: some days really, really, well and some days not nearly as well, I am now close to being finished and however it turns out it will be good enough because I gave my best to what I believe is the intention of my life, one day at a time. Which is all life ever asks of any one of us.