A curious fertilizer

Just getting into the format for writing and posting today's blog was a 'curious' experience. I use the word curious because the components that appear on my posting screen did not show themselves as they normally do when I went into 'new posting' and in order to figure out what was happening I needed to investigate. Actually, I'm quite pleased that I did not give up and instead, I calmed myself down and stared at the screen and asked myself 'what is different today?'


For those of you who are computer savvy asking such a question may seem like an obvious action to take. For a person like myself that is used to 'perceiving' myself as having the technological skill of a kindergartner, my first inclination was to shut down the computer and go have another cup of coffee while the computer 'fixed' itself. But I did not! I kept starring at the screen until I realized that for reasons I do not understand at all, the screen was set to preview rather than compose. Ah-ha I thought, let's click on compose and see what happens. Like magic, the mandala image I had chosen appeared with all of the correct icons and the screen was ready for writing on. My use of the quality of 'curious' allowed me to remain with the problem and find a solution.


In order to use the quality of being curious effectively to solve the problem appearing on my screen, I first had to push aside fear: my sense of anxiety regarding technology. More importantly, in order to see the answer, my perception: the use of one's mind to take in what is happening had to be open to the idea that I was indeed capable of discovering what I needed to know. In order to be open, I simply told myself that I had a lot more skill in this arena than I had just two months ago, so I could probably figure it out! This is true, I knew it was true and so I stayed with this new perception.


This is kind of a long introduction to the concept of curiosity as fertilizer for living but as I prepared to write this posting and explored 'curious' what became obvious was that fear is the wall that not only hinders the effective use of being curious, but fear often diverts us from the proper use of curious and leads us down the path of a fascinating concept called 'impertinent' curiosity - which would be the improper use of curious.


Curious: eager to learn. The quality of being curious: an eagerness or enthusiasm for learning: seeking knowledge, awareness, understanding and insight is one of the unique features of being human. The capacity for, as well as the ability to be curious, allows persons to invent, create, adapt and bring about new ways of being. The ability to use our capacity to be curious expands our life in it's ability to create greater consciousness, perceive significance and to discover previously hidden truths. Being curious therefore, allows for new learning and is a key component for refreshing and renewing the soil of our life.


Refreshing and renewing life indicates an openness and willingness to expand our awareness of what is happening at the moment and what our place in this happening may be. It is at precisely this point of now that perception of life comes into play: if I am fearful then the tendency is to shut down and keep 'happenings' as small as possible i.e., turn off the computer and go have another cup of coffee. Fear pushes 'curious' and the ability to learn and expand my awareness right out of the picture because fear restricts rather than expands.


Sometimes I think one of the big problems with understanding the dynamics of living is that we use big concept words. By big concept words I mean words that indicate something so overwhelming large, sort of like standing inside a huge umbrella, and in this bigness, we either assume we know what the word/concept means or we glance at the concept and unconsciously mutter 'whatever.' Fear is a big concept word. We know fear. We know the feelings of fear and the definition of fear and so we say, 'oh, I get it.' What I've learned is that in reality, I often don't get it as it applies right now unless I break the BIG concept down into EDIBLE pieces. Breaking down the concept of fear what is found is the word trouble: distress, perceived failure and unpleasant exertion.


Oh, now that makes sense! Why bother to wake up and explore - activate my capacity to be curious - if I have perceived: decided beforehand that what will be {future tense} encountered is possibly a distressing failure and on top of that, I will most likely have exerted myself unpleasantly, since that which ends in failure is almost always unpleasant! If my orientation toward life is that life is 'trouble' then I will find myself experiencing fear - a survival mechanism used to foreshadow trouble. This is exactly why and how fear as an orientation: a gazing at life believing trouble will appear at any moment, keeps us from our natural capacity for continual new learning and new means of adapting to life.


In my last post I mentioned that reading Pema Chodron's book Comfortable With Uncertainty taught me how to use the quality of being curious to literally 'shatter' the bonds of fear. I'll warn you that in reality using curiosity in this way does not so much 'shatter' all fear as it snips apart threads of fear one at a time, one moment at a time. When I picture this idea I see Gulliver from Gulliver's Travels tied down by elves who criscrossed ropes or threads across his body while he was sleeping. Doesn't take much musing on this image to see that is exactly how fear works with us: lots of little fears - many of which happened in the past so we are afraid they might happen in the future - restricting us from moving around in the now.


If someone comes along and snips a rope, Gulliver is less restricted. Snip a couple more ropes and by golly there's a bit of wiggle room! One or two more snips and wow, look at Gulliver crawling out of his prison! Snipping ropes of fear works exactly the same way.


Here's how I was taught to snip fear. When I am become aware that I am anxious, up-tight, aware of a general dis-ease in my body or just plain feeling lethargic and irritable about the day
I say to myself 'what is happening right now around you.' Right now in this very moment what is actually real? This means snap awake and look around! Generally the answer is quite mundane: I'm sitting in my chair. I'm washing dishes. I'm taking a shower. The birds are singing, the cat is sleeping, I'm walking out the door to go to the grocery store, I'm at my desk working. You see, the word real indicates the actual component of right now which means in order to be actually present to now remove feelings based in the past, remove feelings that are anticipating the future: remove thoughts not attached to right now: remove thoughts about what might happen in the future, remove thoughts about what has already happened.


Now you are naked. This is how you may feel if this is a new exercise for you because without any awareness that we are doing this, because of human defense mechanisms, our tendency is to 'dress our self' for today with the clothing of awarenesses that are made primarily of the past and the future. Dressing ourselves this we, we tend to not truly be present to the moment of NOW. Seems like a silly way to get dressed however, human beings, who have an inherent will to survive and have also lived through a lot of turbulence: i.e., trouble, have a tendency to 'live' out of both the past and the future because they 'feel safe' since neither is happening right now. If I had simply looked at how the computer screen was behaving today wearing only articles from the past I would have assumed that I was incapable of discovering what was happening because my old idea of myself was that I was terminally dumb about technology. I now know my technological status is "slow" and not terminal!


We cannot acquire new learning living out of an orientation to the past because the energy of the past is used up - it's over. We cannot acquire new learning while living out of future expectations because the energy of the future is not yet available. I love the word anticipate to illustrate what living out of the future is because anticipate means to use before the proper time. Which of course, never works very well: fruit used before the proper time is not yet ripe and tends to be hard and tasteless and not at all easily digested.


Life in this moment is ripe - what is right now is what is available to eat right now. Eating fruit that is ripe makes for a happy digestive system. The digestive system of our psyche responds to what kind of life-fruit we eat - fruit in the moment is ripe. When we use the technique of bringing the self to right now by asking what is actually happening right now?, we orient our self to a "ripe life."

This takes practice, practice and more practice. If you are an adult in mid-life you have a very deep root system like the old citrus tree from the last posting . Deep root systems require some loosening of the soil, lots of fertilizer, some deep watering {that's the practice part} and some patience.


A bag of fertilizer contains a combination of nutrient dense ingredients and it is the proper combination of nutrients that invigorates the soil. A nice combination of ingredients when using the fertilizer 'curious' and coming back to the present moment of 'what is happening right now' is to add gratitude, appreciation and beauty. So, you're at your desk and about to pay bills: do you focus on the fear of what might be and the anxiety of what you lack and what the future may bring or do you accept the obvious: if you've pulled out your checkbook there must be something in the bank.


Okay, lets try using curious to take us to the place where we are mindful of now. Think on what you have at this moment: maybe the ability to pay all the bills, maybe the ability to pay part of them: either situation and you are making headway in the task. Sit for a moment and feel grateful for the resources you have that allows for this action. Sit for a moment and say thank you out loud for each blessing that paying the bill allows to occur in your life. Sit for a moment look around you: is there evidence of what you have received from your resources within eyesight? A piece of furniture, a picture of someone you love, a decorative object, maybe the cup of coffee or glass of water at your elbow and what about that snack sitting there: what within your eyesight (eyesight indicates the now of where you are) activates gratitude or blessing. Breathe in the gratitude, the sense of blessing, as well as any image that evokes love that are within your awareness.


Congratulations! Doing the above you have just used two practices that allow for eating the ripe fruit of life. One practice was to activate curiosity to bring you to the moment: what is actually real right now. This is the practice of mindfulness. The other practice was using the positive qualities of curiosity to bring you to a truth. The truth you experienced deliberately seeing what is a blessing within your eyesight and saying thank you and breathing in the gratitude, appreciation and possibly love, is that life is composed of goodness. Knowing that life is composed of goodness is the antidote to seeing life as trouble {the little name for fear.}


The more times you practice experiencing the goodness present in the moment, the more your perception of living will reflect a sense of being blessed: of inherent goodness. But for goodness sakes, be patient with yourself and if you have a deep root system from having accumulated more than a couple decades of living, keep watering the soil with the practice of coming back to the moment: what is here in this moment? What that is here in my sight is beautiful? What that is here in my sight am I grateful for. What that is here in my sight can evoke peace or love? Asking these questions is using the qualities found within the word curious: seeking awareness, seeking understanding, seeking insight.


Awareness, understanding and insight allow for our life to expand if we remember to add the ingredients of beauty, appreciation and love by asking what is here right now that reminds me that goodness is alive right now?


Well, my post went in a slightly different direction than I had outlined in the sheet of paper sitting here on the desk to my right! But the writing experience feels fine, in fact the writing feels quite complete for today although I am aware that I never did explain what that suffix ity does when it takes being curious into curiosity and how sometimes that little suffix of ity causes "impertinent curiosity." I found impertinent curiosity fascinating when I explored the concepts and that will be the next post.

One more thing; the image for today's post is a mandala which is a symbol of wholeness. I liked this particular image because the way the lines are drawn givea sensation of delving more deeply into the structure. This is what curious does: it takes us deeper into the truth of life. I wanted to add this little bit of thought before I end because as I read through what I have written it occurred to me that some people might wonder 'how does being present to the moment and pursuing a dream go together?' 'Does being present to the now, mindfulness cancel out hopes and dreams?' Those are interesting questions for a whole separate discussion but here's the simple answer: using the capacity for being curious to activate awareness, understanding and insight in order to discover hidden truths creates an extremely fertile environment for growing dreams. But here's the distinction - you will be actively growing dreams rather than expectations or wishes. There's an interesting thought to chew on.

Adding 'oomph'

A good friend of mine has a big ol' citrus tree that has stood in their front yard for fifty or sixty years. Her tree has seen a lot of living from the position of guardian of the house. My friend also carries a deep affection as she and the tree have been sort of 'partnered' in the sharing of life happening in the house. So, it was with a sense of horror my friend became aware around the beginning of the year that her tree seemed to be quickly moving past elderly and into it's final season.

Discussions between she and her husband included the possibility of having it cut down but she just couldn't bring herself to give up yet. Intensive TLC was the choice of action. After one of our drenching winter rains, she dug out the weeds and debris that had accumulated around it's trunk and dug down even further to loosen the soil. She then got a BIG bag of citrus tree fertilizer and mixed it into the freshened and loosened soil.

Apparently the heavens approved of her actions for another drenching rain arrived soon after and pushed the fertile nutrients down toward the root system. An especially important action as old trees have deep roots and it takes a good bit of water to have the nutrients make their way deep into the root system. A couple weeks ago I arrived at her home and by golly that citrus tree has a new lease on life! Spring-green leaves enrobed the branches and one could almost feel the vigor of new life radiating from it's branches.

I tend to think of trees as apt metaphors for human beings: a long life span; changes that come from seasonal growing, ripening and releasing back to the soil; the capacity to offer beauty, shade, fruit and nesting places for life. Seems to me that we share some real commonalities with trees, including our need for occasional pruning and fertilizing.

Fertilizer is used to invigorate: fortify, strengthen, refresh existing soil and plants so that new growth may continue and be as optimal as possible. Like trees, we human beings, need to be strengthened and refreshed and occasionally, like the old tree, we may need some intensive fertilization in order to have our 'oomph' our vigor: healthy growth; strength renewed and refreshed.


Fertilizers tend to be nutrient dense meaning in a bag of fertilizer virtually everything is full of good stuff with very little waste product. Fertilizers for people also need to be nutrient dense, that is, containing lots of vigor-producing potential with very little waste product. Renewing and refreshing demand quality.


In my experience, there are a couple different methods of providing a nutrient dense soil for living one's life. One method involves providing regular 'sunshine' which is necessary for creating a warm atmosphere for living. Since sunshine is generally a daily occurrence, I tend to think of the actions I do on a daily basis as those which create my personal sunshine: my time of quiet in the morning, my gratitude list and appreciative thank yous, a deliberate orientation of discovering blessing and whatever reading I am doing to support my belief system which may be meditations and/or reading a particular book. These are my actions for generating 'sunshine' in my life but they are not necessarily how I give 'oomph' or vigor to my living.


Vigor or 'oomph' for living comes from the ingredients added to living that create my perceptions. My perceptions about living {which is what we do all day} will absolutely create the environment I live in because how I perceive life is how I experience life. When I perceive life as fearful, the thoughts and emotions I generate are primed to respond to fear. When I perceive life as delightful; full of small pleasures, I will generate an expectancy of wonder and curiosity about where wonder may be found. When I perceive life as hopeful, the tendency is to look for experiences that fulfill the desires and expectations contained in what I hope for.


Sometimes we go through a difficult patch in living where our expectations of how life is 'supposed to be' just kind of collapses and life seems shaky and unstable and like a plant, we begin to wilt from an intensity that depletes the nutrients of our environment. Several years ago I became divorced after a long marriage and despite thinking I was prepared for the separation from my old life it turned out that I was not prepared for the pervading sense of uncertainty about life and living that the divorce birthed. Uncertainty seemed to invade my whole being: how can it be that I am so fearful; how can it be that I don't know how to do _____; how can it be that I am so lonely? how can it be that all my familiar life roles seem to have disappeared? The uncertainty and the fear which ran through me like a constant hum, drained my vitality in a way I had not experienced since the grief of suddenly losing both of my parents.


I am sure that whatever salvation I experienced during this time came from continuing my daily actions of turning on the 'sunshine' which is probably how the fear at least stayed at a low hum most of the time rather than gut-clutching anxiety. However, like the old citrus tree, it became more and more clear that my spirit was demanding some intensive fertilization. As the fog of change began to lift a little, I realized I needed 'something' but I was not sure what. My uncertainty had pervaded even my confidence in how to feed myself. One day however when I was in a bookstore and a book, literally fell into my hands. Comfortable With Uncertainty by Pema Chodron probably saved this ol' tree named Mary from being chopped down by life at that time! Comfortable With Uncertainty is a small book that is easy to digest as it is short readings based on Buddhist principles of living.


Easy to digest applied in that the readings are only two or three pages long but for me, they required a lot of chewing as the words were about as nutrient dense and fibrous as one could find. Part of the nutritional content of the book for me was that I was only vaguely familiar with Buddhism and so my conditioned responses to spirituality were unable to kick in. Everything I read I had to chew and chew, mull and mull while writing responses and questions in the margins. As I continued working with what I read I realized that I was slowly pushing the barrier of fear around me outward. Life felt less restricted, I breathed easier and my thinking began to clear. It was a while before I realized that the fear was receding not only because of the content of the book, but because I was learning a new way of perceiving life.

New learning always invigorates and as I disciplined myself to being committed to the reading, the questioning and to incorporating new ways of seeing and responding to life I found myself renewed and refreshed. For those of you who may be curious, although I am deeply grateful to Pema and to other writers I read who gave me glimpses and direction into Buddhism as a path of living, I am not Buddhist. For me, a personal God will always be essential to life and this is not a tenet of Buddhism.

Mindfulness however is a core tenet of Buddhist living and I will be forever grateful for this perspective on living. As I slowly acquired the new learnings on mindfulness and began to engage them as practice, mindfulness taught me that despite the pieces of life that had been cut away - pieces that had been very familiar and therefore very comfortable - my life was the life happening today. That seems so obvious that it's almost embarrassing to write the words and yet, truthfully, much of the time many of us are not living the life that is happening today. Much of our interior life of feelings and emotions tends to continually link forward and backward into remember when, if only, what if and someday when .....


Emotionally moving backwards and forwards between the past and the future and frequently linking feelings happening now with the past or trying to change how I feel with future hopes is a hallmark of our contemporary culture with it's seductive blend of media and marketing. When we hook into this way of living - and it takes deliberate decisions and actions not to hook in - life tends to move so quickly and so sensationally that we are not even aware of what we are doing as we watch television and surf around the Internet often completely oblivious to the reality that neither of those activities generally have anything to do with my life being lived today. And actually, most of the uncertainty and fear I was experiencing at that time was linked to 'fond' remembrance of what was past or scenerios I projected onto the future: almost no fear existed when I became mindful of now.

Curiosity was a vital tool in learning to become mindful of right now. Pema states in Comfortable With Uncertainty that used properly, curiosity can completely shatter fears based in the uncertainty of life, and a great deal of the fear we adult humans lug around is based in our life experiences that have taught us just exactly how uncertain life really is. No matter how 'uncertain' life is in the big scheme of things however, this moment: a mindfulness of now, has very little uncertainty - it simply is.

Learning to pile moments of now; moments of 'isness' atop one another one at a time is how emotional stability - equilibrium - is created. Curiosity was the was the energy I learned to use to see the bricks of now as I was rebuilding my life. Curiosity eventually became a perception of life; a way of living that when activated has the capacity to loosen my clinging and clutching on 'must' and 'have to' so as to be open to new learning. Curiosity always invites new learning and new learning is absolutely one of the very best nutrient dense fertilizers that exists!

When my friend treated her tree with intensive TLC and fertilizer, she used what was designed for the specific tree she was feeding. She was also careful to follow the directions because fertilizer used incorrectly can either cause harm as it is powerful in its density of components and can burn the roots or it can end up being a waste of money because not enough is used and so nothing happens. So too when we use spiritual or psychological tools of growth. Tools used without understanding and improperly applied can cause harm and when we don't follow the directions regarding the proper amount of attention and time we can end up feeling disgusted and angry because we see no improvement or change.

Tomorrow I will explore curiosity as a tool of perception because as is true with anything capable of creating powerful results, curiosity has both negative and a positive aspects and requires learning how to be used. Mostly what needs to be understood about curiosity is in the suffix of 'ity' which means denoting the quality of. When we become or use the quality of curious it is important that we are deliberate in what qualities we choose to employ.

the vigor of wonder

I was about ten years old and living in Pennsylvania when I saw my first winter crocus. Probably it was a Spring crocus but in my mind it remains 'winter' because the wonder of seeing the green leaves lying incongruously on snowy ground still stirs in my hear when I think 'crocus'. Poking up from the leaves, the crocus' little purple head courageously braved the elements in order to bring hope to winter-bound hearts. Hope is one of the energies stirred by wonder.


Wonder is an experience of the moment that pushes our view of life beyond rational understanding. The experience of wonder is an amazing conglomeration of sensations evoking surprise, incredulousity, amazement and bewilderment. Wonder astonishes and perplexes. All of those sharp, stirring sensations in an instant. Wonder is instantaneous because it always belongs to now. Wonder cannot be planned. {If you had planned to go outside and find crocuses, they would be pretty and the experience would be pleasant, but not one of wonder.} Wonder occurs when you are fully present to the moment - which is mindfulness: mindful of what is actually present right now.


It's easier than you would think to not see spring-green leaves lying on the snow with a little purple head poking through. Why would this be? Because the crocus is not expected. When you live in a climate with real winter after awhile the periodic barrages of deep chill and snow numbs your senses to anything that might be both bright and warm. It's almost as though after months of this is how it is you dare not hope for anything other than what you expect winter to be. It's really difficult when you are resigned to endless cold and a frozen landscape to see one of the very first signs that change is occurring.


If, however you have not become rigid with resignation - which is what happens when we mutter to ourselves over and over: this is what it is, just accept it, this is what is, just accept, it ... this is what it is {which by the way, is resignation and not acceptance even though you are using the word 'accept'} then you are able to be open to small delights. A crocus is a small delight - barely visible in fact.


Small delights are the crack in the world revealing wonder. Delight: that which gladdens; the ability to relish {to anticipate pleasure}. Do you see where these definitions are taking us? In order to experience wonder you need to be present to the now - mindful - and in order to be present to the moment you need to be open to delight, that is to be expecting pleasure to be part of the moment. If you are not expecting pleasure to happen as simply part of living then our human tendency is to shut down.


Children, most especially toddlers, experience wonder almost continually. Adults experiencing the same world as the child rarely discover as much wonder on their own. I put those last three words in italics because one of the joys of being around a toddler is the tendency to "hitch" ourselves onto their emotional experience of wonder and vicariously enjoy their freedom of experience. Sadly, we almost never have enough clarity in the midst of such an experience to ask and answer ourselves honestly, 'why are they enjoying life so much and I'm not?'

You could answer 'because they don't have any responsibilities. Everything is taken care of for them. Of course they're having fun!' Problem with that answer is that you are only a little bit correct. Of course life is simpler without responsibilities but if you think seriously of what life is like for a toddler, it's not exactly easy: they are learning at a rate they will never again equal in life. They have absolutely no power or control over what happens to them. Virtually all of life surrounding them is in 'giant' size. Yes, their life could be called 'easier' but it's not really easy. However, they are completely and absolutely present to life in the now.

Toddlers and young children by nature practice 'mindfulness' and so are open to life right now. They are able to practice mindfulness naturally for two reasons: one, because the point of their life is to be almost continually learning, which is the natural design for they are making their way through numerous developmental phases that cycle rather quickly. Mindfulness, that is being present to what is actually occurring is necessary for learning to take place. The second reason they are so able to be present to the now is because they have not yet individuated enough to develop defense mechanisms. It is actually adult layers of defense mechanisms that prevent us from being open to the regular delights of a day which then 'prime' us for experiencing wonder.

A flower poking through the snow. How can this be? Because wonder both astonishes and perplexes, wonder evokes how can this be? As a general rule of thumb adults have a difficult time remaining open to experience while the irrational is occurring. The question how can this be? indicates something out of the ordinary - something unexpected - has plopped itself down in the middle of our experience. Experiences of out of the ordinary; of the unexpected; of the irrational tend to make we adults uncomfortable as we have often learned that experiences of that type are trouble. Maybe even painful trouble. Intimations of trouble and/or of potential pain have a tendency to arouse our well-developed defenses.

Defense mechanisms are as naturally acquired in living as the ability to dress yourself in order to go outside for we humans are designed to be survivors. In fact, most defense mechanisms are one of the ways we do 'dress ourselves' to take the inner self out into the world. I'll go into descriptions of defense mechanisms and what are useful and what are not, more deeply in the next couple days but the concept was necessary to bring up as a way of explaining that the more defended we are to life, the less open we are capable of being mindfully present and therefore ready to experience delight and wonder. The reason for this is simply because defense mechanisms are all based in fear and fear closes us down to the 'right now.' Most fear-based people experience 'right now' a day or so later when it has become safe!


In our contemporary culture, one of the fears evoked by how can this be? is that the answer may well be I don't know. Not knowing is very uncomfortable for 'responsible' adults in our culture because life - including educational life - tends to be based on knowing rather than learning. In America, our schools, our work, our major life roles and our career lives tend to be based in the idea that the person who knows the most is the smartest and most capable. Unfortunately this idea contains just a veneer of truth: it is true that school, jobs, life roles and careers all require 'knowing' some things in order to do them well but 'knowing' does not mean the designation 'smart' should be applied.


The 'smartest' people I know are all willing to learn new things. By 'learning new things' I mean these people are really open to and willing to learn what they do not know how to do: the kind of learning that induces feeling awkward, making mistakes, trying over again, semi-giving-up, deciding not to give up and trying again, getting past that obstacle and heading out for the next one with a sense adventure and joy.

The really smart people I know are not nearly as interested in what they know as they are in what they don't know but would like to learn. These smart people have dealt with their defense mechanisms honestly and thoroughly enough so they were able to choose what was really necessary and let go of what was not. To be honest, the only people I know that were able to take on that particular task were people who were willing to say I don't know with openness and curiosity.


It is the ability to live in and explore 'I don't know' rather than just coming up an answer that will open a person to the toddler's capacity for delight and wonder. One of the candles I light each day is done with the affirmation thank you for 'I don't know.' Thank you for creating the emptiness of not knowing in me so the Spirit of delight and creativity may take up residence. When I first began saying those words they were more of an 'idea' than a reality. The reality of my life growing up was that one was supposed to know - not knowing was dangerous.

But the reality of my life in childhood and the reality of my life now are two entirely different realities. I am capable of - actually I am responsible as an adult for - making my own rules for living. One of my 'rules' is that since I believe I have been created 'in the image and likeness of the Creator' I would like my life to express this reality. Expressing life as a 'creator' means having the capacity to 'bring about that which is new.' Bringing about that which is new requires 'not knowing' and even more, it requires being open to learning. Learning as an adult requires being present to 'now' every bit as much as it is necessary to a toddler. It's just more natural for them.


Once I was able to outline that personal creed {I actually wrote out a personal manifesto: a 'creed of belief'} I began to add my beliefs to my daily candle-lighting experience. When I light a candle I am expressing willingness and openness. Willingness and opennes are actually all that is asked of me to grow. Doing the actions with deliberateness and commitment guarantees that in time, the vigor of new growth will occur. Seems foolish to me to refuse to give 15 minutes a day to such a guarantee.

Our will orchestrates our music

My favorite definition of the word person is one who stands at the center of their thoughts and feelings knowing they belong to them. Seems sort of obvious that the thoughts and feelings running through my mind and body belong to me, but we often miss this fact because we assign their origin and reason for existence to other experiences; people, places and events outside of our self. By assigning the feeling or thought as the property of something else, we lose the power of control.

My second favorite definition of person is one who orchestrates awareness. The two definitions actually go together because I am only capable of orchestrating - that is conducting - awareness that I know belong to me. For something to belong to me, I need to own it as mine.

The heart of what is mine, what I use to 'conduct' or orchestrate my life is my will. In this regard I think of my will as the baton used by a conductor of a symphony orchestra. Baton is a stick used by a conductor to direct {control, guide, govern} an orchestra - an arrangement of elements.

Since will is defined as the faculty {power, ability, capacity} by which a person decides what to do: will is the power of effecting (causing) intention, it seems logical to me that in order to have my life be 'musical' rather than simply chaotic noise, I will need to use my will in order to decide which elements of life and self to engage. My will contains the power for creating my life.

Have you ever seen a conductor of a symphony standing on the dais before the incredible variety of musical instruments; the elements at their command for creating the music that is laying on the stand before them only as ink on paper? Whenever I see such a scene I am always struck by the powerful majesty of the conductor. I think the word 'majesty' comes to mind because it requires such a deep blend of knowledge, courage and confidence in order to take on the responsibility of being a conductor.

The responsibility of the conductor is not only in knowledge of the musical score but also what sound is available from the instruments arrayed before their eyes. This knowledge is then combined with an ability to know just when to point - engage - their baton to indicate what instrument or section of instruments is to be played. The conductor's choice of where to point the baton for engagement is critical for determining the sound - the music - that will manifest. So it is in our life: as we use our baton - our will - for choosing what parts of self we will engage and 'play', we determine the sound or music of life.

When we engage we involve or entangle our self with. When I 'chew' on a thought or feeling, I am engaging that part of myself. Whatever topics of conversation I choose to involve myself in become engagements of the self and will manifest the emotional content of my thinking inherent in the words and emotions used as I speak and listen. The activities I engage during my day: tasks, duties, responsibilities, either engaged passivity or active doing will all color my world in the emotional component I point my baton - my will - at while they are engaged. Am I resentful? Excited? Inspired? Grateful? Snarky? Helpful? Hostile? Open? Intrigued? The emotion I engage - use - will manifest as part of the experience.

Each of us creates the music of our world. The issue is whether we are creating the music intentionally by knowingly using our will or whether we have chosen a passive attitude toward life by either being afraid of our will: our power or by simply reacting to things as they happen to us. We do not have complete control over what thoughts enter our mind however, we do have control over which thoughts we will engage, entangle our self with. We do have the power to decide what we will add or delete from our thoughts. Sometimes our feelings and emotions come upon us so quickly we do not feel as though we have any power regarding them but science has shown that for a feeling or emotion to last longer than 20 or 30 seconds it must be engaged: left alone it will dissipate. When a feeling does not dissipate it is because how you have somehow engaged the feeling or emotion with your thinking. What is wonderful about this bit of knowledge is that knowing this fact gives you the power to determine the duration of emotions. Learning to use your will is the key to being a conductor of your life.

Unfortunately many, if not most of us, have been taught incredibly incorrect information about the use of will. Those of us who were raised Christian were taught from a very young age that it was the use of will - particularly a woman's will - that caused the downfall of humankind. The concept of 'will power' is almost always used negatively as the term refers to using your particular power to stop doing something. Will power is generally accepted as the power of the self we need to break bad habits and to stop destructive actions. From that viewpoint we are using our will power to overcome ourselves. And, if you are well into mid-life as I am, you most likely have your own stories of how the 'use of your will' created havoc in your life.

There are some people quite adept at the use of will power to accomplish what they want and so for them, the idea of will power is not necessarily negative. Yet there is a big difference between using one's will to conduct your awareness so as to manifest 'music' in life and using one's will to simply get what you want or to impose your will on others. The difference here is the energy used by the arm of the conductor.

A conductor is not simply using their position on the dais to fling their body and baton-holding- arm whichever way they desire. A responsible, a masterful conductor, does not use their power to create only the sound they want in the world. A masterful conductor is so deeply connected to the music to be manifested - both the wholeness of the sound and the individual components needed - that it is the energy of the wholeness of the musical score's vision that flows as the energy directing the arm holding the baton.

When we use our will simply to get what we want or to impose our will, then we are using the energy of our ego. Using the energy of the ego can be a bit confusing because sometimes when operating out of the ego we actually get a sound sort of like music. Other times, what comes out of the orchestra is simply a cacophony of noise. When we get into the habit of operating our baton - our will - with ego energy we really aren't quite sure what sound will appear and thus are often left defending our self and our 'music'. So, if using the energy of the ego for directing your baton isn't always the best choice, what is?

First of all it is important for me to inject here that being human, the ego will virtually always be involved since we need our ego to survive in the world. However part of being able to 'orchestrate awareness' as a person, is acquiring knowledge of your unique and personal ego and understand which are the healthy ego parts and which are the defended ego parts. When we discern this knowledge we are more easily able to actively choose to engage the healthy part and also to make the choice to use the defended parts as infrequently as we can: the less they are used the more quickly they lose power.

Earlier I said that unfortunately most of us have been taught to use our will to overcome and this is such an inaccurate, unfortunate use of such a magnificent tool. Our will has been given to us as a means to actively putting the goodness residing within ourselves out into life. Our goodness is exactly like the elements of orchestra arrayed before the conductor, it is the instruments we were given when we were sent here to earth and these instruments are needed to play your music. The instruments of self are your personality, your nature and temperament, your skills and abilities, your unique gifts and the desires, hopes and dreams that are evoked by each and all of those. It is each of our unique combination that has the capacity to create the music of life.

Like any conductor it is up to us to acquire knowledge of each element of our orchestra. Like any conductor it is up to us to acquire knowledge of how the elements are played and what they can do. Like any conductor it is up to us to 'feel' the possibilities available when the elements are combined. If we are to use our baton - our will - effectively we need to understand that it has been given to us so that we might add to the grand music of life. To do this we must be quite deliberate in what we engage.

If you want to have your life be part of the grand music of the Universe it is useful to spend some time each day listening to the music of the Universe. If my life is a 'flute' in the Universe's grand orchestra, it is not enough for me to only know flute music: I must know the wholeness of the sound. I need to have heard the entire symphony so I know where I fit and how my instrument can be played in order to add the best possible sound.

One means of acquiring the confidence needed to conduct - to use your baton - is to put aside a little bit of time each day - maybe only 10 minutes in the beginning - where all you do is absorb the goodness of the Grand Symphony of Creation. Just listen. The more frequently this is done, the more easily the energy of the great 'Oneness of All' is felt within yourself. The more frequently you spend time absorbing this energy of Grand Music the more your own Spirit becomes filled with that energy.

The more filled your Spirit is with the energy of the Cosmos the less you need to worry about using your will incorrectly. Just ask to be directed and then listen. The music is always playing and the symphony has been designed so that your part is essential to the wholeness.

In the beginning of this piece I said that a conductor always seems full of a powerful majesty containing knowledge, confidence and courage. Remember that that majestic conductor did not walk up the steps to their dais overnight. Lots of practice, intention, commitment and more practice go into becoming a majestic conductor. Knowledge is acquired from intentional commitment to continual learning and discovery. Confidence is acquired from intentional practice in using what you learn and experience. Courage is acquired because the desire to conduct arose from the heart. The courage to use your baton - your will -to conduct your life will come as you go deeper and deeper into the heart of yourself and life and discover the Great Well of Love residing at the very center. Drinking from this well on a daily basis is how one discovers the best energy for using their baton.

Dazzling Splendor

There is something very trusting, almost childlike, in the photo of the sunflower on the left with it's blossom head lifted to catch the warmth of the sun.

As I prepared to leave the house this morning to teach my wonderful group of 5th and 6th graders at church school this morning I was not feeling especially cheery and so I chose to hum a little ditty that generally lifts my heart: this little light of mine - I gonna let it shine - this little light of mine - I'm gonna let it shine .... let it shine; let it shine; let it shine!!!

When I chose to hum the little ditty this morning I was in many ways being like the sunflower and lifting my face to light I knew existed and all I needed to do was choose to experience the light already present for me. I've learned from past experience that an easy way to 'lift my face' is humming, and especially humming that has simple words attached. What I know is that as I hum the tune, the words will begin to swim around in my mind and as the swimming of words and humming pick up their pace, I begin to feel the intention of the song pulse through my body.

There are all kinds of ways to ignite intention: affirmations, images, music and deliberate reading to name a few but my favorite forms of ignition usually involve fire. I have about 20 candles running across my altar space and as I utter words of intention I watch the flame on the tip of the match join to the wick of the candle and burst into a flame. Over and over I utter intention and watch it ignite as a spark of fire. Flames dance. Flames illuminate darkness. The flame of a candle reminds me of one of my earliest family teachings.

When I was a child each dinnertime ended with a short, single page reading from a little book called Three Minutes A Day. I think it was named that because the reading only took about three minutes but since we we did this action every single evening, those minutes added up to a whole lot of time. What the minutes of reading and listening added up to was a particular orientation in life and that was the idea that it is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness. The books were put out by a group called The Christophers and that was their motto and one way they put their motto into action was to compile short stories - three minute stories to be exact - that exemplified how an individual taking a single, often quite simple, action was able to change a circumstance and thus add a bit of light to the world.

I suppose what I grew up believing was that I carry light within me and that this light has been given to me ito share in the world. I was taught that my job regarding this light was to be awake to opportunities for choosing actions that added illumination to life. The really great thing about being given this instruction was that it was broken down into very small parts and therefore never seemed like an overwhelming task. Each evening as the words from the readings dripped into my brain, a pool of quite practical wisdom formed. This pooling of teaching told me that a smile, a thank you, listening to another, giving a helping hand and even when I chose to release my grip on a single dime and give it to be shared, then light was being shed.

Shedding light in the world was very much like choosing to join the daily scavenger hunt for the 100 blessings God has promised for me each day: the light was a promise of what is. Just like all I really need to do to discover the blessings is to be willing to see them and in my willingness to then orient myself to their reality all that is required to illuminate the world is to understand that even one little candle of light banishes some darkness. We never need to wait for the ability to do some grand gesture - although when we have enough light to share in a grand gesture, it is a very wonderful experience - in the meanwhile, we can determine to ignite as many small candles as possible in a single day. I would suspect that the one hundred blessings somehow correlates to one hundred opportunities to add light to the world.

Scattered around my house are sunflowers both in arrangements and in paintings reminding me that I really do believe that we are called to be a 'sunflower' for the world: we absorb the Light of goodness and love and then we share our bit of illumination in the world. I also have a card on my bookcase with a saying from The Kabbalah which sums up both the teaching from my childhood as well as my intention to live as a sunflower:

We receive the light,
then we impart it.
Thus we repair
the world.

Whatever bit of light we are able to share, no matter how small, does in fact, banish a bit of darkness. This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine ... this little light of mine ... your light is never too little!!!

Encouraging the Essential Self

The other day a friend stopped by and we found ourselves talking about her daughter who enjoy journaling and other writing, which led me to rummage through my bookshelves to show her my very favorite books on writing.

Despite having read many books on the art of writing, Natalie Goldberg's book have remained my all time favorites. When I grabbed Wild Mind off the shelf to show my friend, I saw it had sticky notes and bits of paper sticking out of the pages. Since it had been a while since I've read the book I was intrigued to see what my notes were - a kind of excavation of a younger self.

Once I committed myself to being 'a writer' I occasionally found myself negating this reality by saying that all I did was write in a journal. You see, I say that to myself because truthfully, my journal contains pages and pages of 'junk'. To me it's important 'junk' because it comes out of my center; my essential self, but in terms of expecting great writing what I have in these journals is pages and pages of 'junk' writing. Looking through my latest journal I find that there might be only two really good sentences in several pages of scribbling. But I've also discovered that those two sentences of insight: wisdom about life that was decently written, were like nuggets of gold. When I thought of these sentences as gold nuggets I remember that back in the 1800's during the great gold rush, people would give over their entire lives to this search for gold. From a week of panning silt and water, should the miner find two good nuggets, ithey would be celebrated as a success. So too I've decided with my writing: two good sentences from pages of scribbling are a success as long as I remain committed.

I found the above italicized piece of writing scribbled in the back cover of Wild Mind where apparently I felt so inspired to write the words down that I had not wanted to get up and find my journal. Actually, virtually all the important books in my life have such scribbling in the margins and blank pages in the front and back of the books. This habit of scribbling in books is one of the reasons I am unable to effectively use the library!

Clearly when I wrote those words I was encouraging myself as the passage indicates that I was giving myself courage, confidence and hope for continuing what I had discovered was vital to my essential self: the weaving of life using words. Encourage: to give courage, confidence and hope to: to inspire. Finding and feeding oneself courage is possibly the single most important 'skill' required when committing oneself to a path that is long, meandering through hidden places and winding toward the horizon with switchbacks and deep chasms. When walking such a path there are moment - days and weeks sometimes - where the scenery one walks through seems to mock with a sense of folly and failure. Unless one is able to discover a means of feeding the fires of courage, the journey is frequently doomed to failure.

The word encourage is most frequently is used with the meaning 'to inspire'. But when you take the word apart, the prefix en means 'to put into' and the word courage is derived from the French couer, meaning 'heart'. To encourage actually means 'to put into the heart.'

The symbol of the heart indicates 'love' and in this way, our heart contains our essential, that is, our truest self for it is this self that is most capable of receiving and giving love. Essential indicates that which is necessary and vital. What is in our heart is necessary and vital to being who and what we have been place on earth for: the meaning of our life is contained in the heart. When we find the means to encourage ourselves, we are in fact, feeding our our heart in order to live out of the love that lives there.

When I wrote the italicized piece in the back of Wild Mind I was being an advocate: one who supports for the essential self living in my heart. It is impossible to have the courage required for the journey of living from the essential self without both being an advocate for what we commit ourselves to and finding other advocates of our true self. Journeying through all the activities of living and being true to our essential self is not easy. Moving forward down the road with only a dream in your heart while tired and discouraged is tough. There is really no other way to say this reality because each of us knows it's truth: if you are in mid-life I'm willing to bet there are journeys you have given up on and journeys you have accomplished or returned to only because there was an 'advocate' who encouraged your faltering steps. The alternative to discovering how to be an advocate for your dream, for learning the skills needed to feed courage, is to simply 'settle' in life: settle for what is and give up hoping, dreaming and believing.

Life is a dynamic process of birthing, dying, birthing, dying and then doing the whole cycle over and over again. The essence of life is so abundant that we often find ourselves overwhelmed with awe at its beauty and bewildered by its chaos. I am finding that the order for this bewildering chaos has to come from inside myself. If I try to create order in life from the only 'the outside' one of two things seems to happen: either I exhaust myself trying to capture all the baby ducks who refuse to line up {as in getting one's ducks in a row} or I end up building an eight food wall around myself so the ducks can't wander too far. That is until they learn to fly and then the ducks are gone and I'm stuck behind a wall!

Again, the above piece was scribbled in the back pages this time in Natalie Goldberg's book Writing Down the Bones. Clearly at the time I was grappling with the struggle to remain true to my essence and since my guess is that this was written a good twenty years ago, that would have been while my boys were quite and and life was chaotic. Just getting up a little extra early each morning so I could sit and watch the dawn, orient myself with prayer and gratitude and possibly write in my journal was a struggle with exhaustion. But I did not give up.

I did not give up even when I ran into what was a brick wall on that journey and the brick wall was when I realized that perhaps I was doing all this writing and maybe I would never get published. Running into that brick wall was very painful as one of the ways I had encouraged myself to swing my legs from beneath warm covers and head out into the early morning cold on the patio was with the intention of getting published. When it hit me {for whatever reason} that I may never be published as the greater percentage of writers are not, I almost gave up.

I suspect that I was rereading Writing Down the Bones while trying to decide whether or not to continue my morning time and journal writing. One reason I was rereading this particular book was that both of Goldberg's books are not only terrifically encouraging, heartening and reassuring books for writers, they are also two of the most reassuring books I've found for supporting the journey of being true to the essence of oneself. And that was how I came to a decision to recommit myself to morning time and to journal writing: whether or not I would ever be published, being true to myself demanded that I write: to weave the inside and outside of my life into a tapestry of wholeness using words. What I had learned while writing in my journal was that when I did it on a regular basis: wove my thoughts, feelings and experiences with ink on paper, I vibrated with a sense of the goodness of life. Writing was the action that caused life to vibrate within me.

Scribbling words on paper seemed to inspire the life living within my heart and soul to awaken: writing inspired me to live with vitality. Inspire: to stimulate creative activity. If you break that definition down and define stimulate; to awaken; to rouse and then define creative: inventive imagination and then combine the ideas there with the word activity: to expend energy, what you have is the idea that to inspire means to expend energy in order to awaken the inventive imagination.

In order to vibrate with life it is essential for each of us to discover the activity that awakens the inventive imagination of the essential self and then do it!

What I figured out at the time I was wavering over whether or not to continue with an activity and the demands of the activity, was the realization that in order to vibrate with life I needed to engage the activity that encouraged, stimulated and hearted the self that vibrated. I needed to continue to set the alarm and get up and have my quiet time and writing time. The alternative {not doing that activity} meant I would stop vibrating: purring and humming, with my own unique music. It is my personal opinion that often when people have generalized anxiety of unknown origin, it is the natural vibrating of life that has gone stagnant and is now full of static rather than humming.

The point here is that specific activity is vital - necessary - for vitality. As human beings, it will never be enough for us to merely 'think' about or read about vitality's of life. The design of our humanness requires that we put ourselves into whatever has inspired us. 'Putting oneself into' means that activity - a physical doing of some sort - is necessary in order for it to become a part of ourselves.

Sometimes the only action we can take is to specifically take a portion of time from our daily activities and routine - maybe initially just 10 or 15 minutes - and commit ourselves to that action. In a lot of ways, what happens within the piece of committed time is initially less important than the fact that the choice was made to do it. The choice to undertake an activity - the 10 or 15 minutes of time - devoted to encouraging the essential self and awakening the life within the heart is what is essential. The use of our will to make choice is also vital to being human.

There is one more thing, and I'll admit these are words of a MILD warning it may take a bit of time passing in order to begin to hear and purring and humming in your heart. Don't give up, try to find some aspect of the experience that encourages - puts you into your heart - to you inspire yourself to continue. Sometimes also, the initial purring and humming may actually feel 'discordant' and sort of like anxiety. It takes practice to learn to play an instrument - even the playing of one's own heart. One way to overcome this issue is to find a piece of music that is soothing and play it. I have a CD that I have used during my quiet time for about three years now and whenever I put it on I automatically begin to feel an inner calmness. Another possible suggestion is to find a really good book of daily affirmations or prayers that speaks to you and to begin your time with reading it as in my experience this particular activity kind of jump starts a bit of 'rhythmic playing' of my heart.

I honestly believe that each of us has been designed to carry a particular bit of music that is vital to the grand symphony of life ... I hope you enjoy the adventure of your particular song.

Our web of attitude

My time up at Chapel Rock early this week working with an extraordinarily creative group of women was fun and intensely hard work. Our goal for this stage of putting together the summer camp curriculum was to nail down the details of the craft activities for the camp and so we spent two days in the dining room area of the lodge surrounded by paint, glue, beads, crayons, markers and the results of our labor: wild masks, colorful tambourines and maracas, jewel toned treasure boxes and beautifully woven God's eyes. Anyone seeing us laughing, chatting and madly creating would have a difficult time believing that our activity was work. However, when I awoke yesterday morning back here in the Valley I felt as though my 'juice' was seriously low!

One of the problems with one's 'juiciness' feeling dried up is that the energy running through our personal web of attitudes toward living becomes weak and in my experience, this is exactly when less than pleasant old beliefs and feelings often surface. I was quite aware of this reality yesterday when in my tiredness I found myself focusing on anxieties and worries rather than blessings and goodness. After half a day of feeling lethargic and 'poopy' I realized that it was time to not only take some time 'off' but also to use that time for an attitude re-adjustment.

Attitude: one's way of thinking and reflecting one's way of thinking. Very simply, it is our attitudes which create the 'web' of energy around us which then creates our experience of living because attitude is the energy we use to engage life. Whatever we engage is what we will manifest. When I first began this blog I said that the most commonly recognized word for announcing that magic is occurring is the word 'abracadabra' meaning: as I speak, I will create which is precisely how our day - our life - is created: by the words I use. When I speak, the topics I choose, the words I choose to express my feelings, all express my inner attitude.

One synonym for the word attitude is demeanor: one's bearing in life reflecting the sense of orientation. Our attitude will in fact orient our emotional direction of the moment, the day or eventually our life. We will engage what we have oriented ourselves to encounter.
Our topics of conversation and the words we use while talking all create the energy that orients our emotional direction.

The tricky part of engaging and manifesting attitudes for creating the web of our life is knowing - being truly conscious of -what beliefs live at the center of our web. Sometimes living in the center of our web is an belief from childhood that has been there so long we are not even aware of its existence or, we may be aware of the 'tip' of the belief but like an iceberg, the manifested 'tip' only indicates something very big going very deeply. Paradoxically, when our 'juiciness' is weak is often when old and inaccurate beliefs often pulsate with life. The good news about this strange phenomena is that we are actually able to 'see and feel' it when it is pulsing stronger than our normal juiciness; the bad news is that when our juiciness is weak we are often not in the mood for such insights!

If we are willing though to 'listen' to the pulsations of our old belief and not reject it because the 'music' frightens us {old attitudes often do this}, or run away from the anxious feelings it may induce {again, this often happens} or respond with self-righteousness as in 'I have the right to feel this way, or do as I was tempted to do yesterday in my tiredness: poke my fingers in my ears to not hear any 'music' at all; if somehow we are graced with the ability to simply sit and listen we may learn something that can change our life.

I had a life altering experience about a year ago when I actually 'heard' a very, very old belief pulsating and creating an unpleasant web of energy in my life. The belief was from my childhood and the core of it was a very powerful lie. To make a long story as short as possible, at the time of this awareness I was taking a class that required about four hours a week of directed reading, question answering and essay writing. The class was intense in both its content and the work required to explore the content. One week, having completed the reading I was writing answers to the questions in the workbook and found myself writing that I was unworthy and unacceptable. When I saw the words - in my handwriting - I was stunned because if you had asked me if I felt unworthy and unacceptable I would have responded that I had spent years working through issues as well as decades devoted to mindful quiet time and believed myself to be both worthy and acceptable. My pride took a hit on that one!

Nonetheless, despite what I thought, the words were written quite definitely as my response. Rather than brush away their significance out of either horror or shame at seeing them surface, I decided right then to sit quietly and ask myself "why do I believe myself to be unworthy and unacceptable?" I remained very still and shortly, I 'saw' a scene that had occurred about twelve years before. The scene happened during a time I was very, very vulnerable because of major changes in my life. In the scene, an acquaintance, said some very hurtful things which in blindsided me with both their nastiness and the unexpectedness of the experience. I was also blindsided because this person was an acquaintance rather than a person close enough to know me.

As I sat with the revelation in this scene, I wondered, 'how could this one incident have such power in my life?' Again, I asked the question and deliberately remained as quiet as possible so as not not fill up the space with my own explanations. As the quiet grew, I became aware that her words of nastiness had lodged so deeply into my heart not only because my vulnerability at the time had 'softened' my defenses but also because the was already a space in my heart that contained well-tended 'soil' for her words to land in and grow.

This well-tended soil had been created in the religion of my childhood where before receiving communion the words "Lord, I am not worthy to receive you" were uttered aloud. Abracadabra - as I speak I will create. When one speaks a phrase - particularly a phrase of belief - literally thousands of times not only is a web of attitude created, but it is a very strong web. The person's words from that fateful day - hurtful and untrue as they were - simply activated a part of myself that had inadvertently been quite well nourished.

In all likelyhood I was given the words for receiving communion as a means of acknowledging what that religion believed to be my inherent 'sinful' nature and as a means of warding off more sinfulness. Possibly the intention of those words was not meant to create a deep sense of unworthiness and unacceptability for receiving the abundant blessing and goodness of life. And yet, that is exactly what they did for any words of attitude uttered over and over in our talk will create a web of energy composed of 'nature' of the words we use.

Do you know why spiders spin webs? To catch food. The web of attitude woven from our words and the topics of our conversations, creates an energy web that 'catches' the food of our life. Remember, we manifest what we engage. If we engage resentment we manifest hostility {which may be seen as either self-pity, arrogance or pissiness}; engage fear and what manifests is rage: irritation, fits of temper, lack of caring about the viewpoint of 'others' {or if shoved down and denied, rage often manifests as melancholy or depression}; engage love and kindness and manifest goodness, blessing and the ability to experience joy; engage beauty and manifest creativity; engage creativity and manifest newness of life. The list of engaging and manifesting in terms of attitudes and behaviors is quite long in possibility.

How though do we eradicate an old belief in order to stop 'catching' attitudes that we do not want? We feed, feed, feed the attitude that is desired. First of all, do not scratch at the scab on the old belief: put on gloves, grab some tweezers and pluck that nasty thing from the web and treat as toxic waste - burn it or bury it - get rid of it. Whatever you do - and this may be tempting at times - do not drop it into a jar, screw on the top and display it on your bookcase as a trophy of how you 'overcame' or what was done to you in the past. Whatever you have plucked is not a trophy - it is done and over and if you desire something new you must be willing to let go of it.

Plucking the destructive belief out of your web will leave a hole in your psyche, especially if this is an old, old belief. This 'hole' must be filled with a new attitude and if your psyche is to be persuaded as to the validity of the new belief you must choose to deliberately attract and beguile the new energies. The necessity for being deliberate and choosing means that you will need to set aside some time each day for a couple weeks or so to nourish this new energy. Being aware of this fact, when I 'discovered' that old nasty belief in my web and plucked it out I committed myself immediately to being willing to do whatever was needed to feed the new attitude.

Acquiring a new attitude using the old formula of hear it, see it and do it over and over again until the seed of the new belief sends out roots and becomes a seedling. This is the step of 'growing' which is often overlooked because the process of 'hearing' the music of the old belief, listening to what it is saying, choosing to respond by reflecting upon it and then choosing to put on those rubber gloves, pluck it out and dispose of it {possibly after wavering a moment over a trophy jar}, seems like a big accomplishment that required a lot of work! It was and it did. And now it's time to grow what you choose to replace it with.

From the experience I just wrote about, I wished to grow a sense of worthiness and acceptability for receiving the abundant blessing of life as well as being able to live and share from this abundant goodness. Who doesn't desire this? Anyway, to this end I initially chose two actions. The next morning when I got up and began my quiet time I lit two additional candles: one in thanksgiving for the new awareness and the second as a flame of forgiveness toward both the stupid learning I had be taught as a child and toward the person whose words had wounded me. Did I feel forgiveness when I began this ritual? Not at all. But I was willing to and before that pillar candle had burned completely away in a couple weeks, I no longer was angry or resentful which was a nice start.

Journaling is a tried and true method of exploration and declaration for me and was my second action. Soon after my discovery I decided that I wanted to journal about it. As I began writing the entry, I said to my HP 'please direct my thoughts and writing.' Next thing I knew, I was 'hearing' the directive: write the phrases 'I am worthy. I am acceptable.' over and over until you feel in your gut that it is time to stop. I must tell you, I felt kind of foolish and like I was ten years-old again but I did as I felt I was being directed. I filled three legal-size pages front and back with those phrases. As I wrote the words, I also said them aloud: see it, hear it and do it - each a form of action needed for new learning was right there on those pages.

Writing the words out like that may seem silly but I can tell you that it was a wonderful beginning for showing myself - and my ego - what I was willing to do in acquiring a new attitude to fill that hole in my psyche. I continued to nourish this new attitude with some reading on the topic. I also found a couple affirmations/prayers that supported what I was 'growing' and I wrote them out and put them where would see them and be reminded to say the words a few times a day.

The trickiest part of this process of removing the old and growing something new is to focus on the new and truly let go of the old: do not engage in the telling of the old stories attached to it with the blaming of who, what, where, when and why; do not scratch the old scab. It is tempting to scratch at the old because it is so familiar and I'll warn you that it can be easy to give up on the new because it takes a while for that seed of the new to crack and sprout and so we can easily 'disbelieve' in what is yet to show itself. This is why when I am doing new planting I always find reading that supports the growing process and gives me a 'picture' to hold in my mind while I am waiting for the new seeds to grow and bloom.

Abracadabra! I grow in my mind and trust that as I do this and nourish the new little seedling, it too will bloom in life.

Nourishing yourself

It is said that we are what we eat. Whereas in the past year I've taken some solid steps to applying this bit of wisdom to the actual food I eat, I mostly think about its meaning in terms of what I choose to 'nourish' my mental, emotional and spiritual life.

This is a short posting. I'm leaving in a couple hours to head back up the hill again to Prescott where I will be meeting for the next two days to complete part three of the curriculum for the summer camp. So, this will also be the last posting until Wednesday of next week.

I wanted though to tack onto what I wrote about yesterday and give you some information on where to find mandalas if you'd like to add coloring them either as a part of your meditation time or simply as a means to relaxation.

Online there is an excellent source: free-mandala.com. When you get to the site, choose the American Flag {English} and on the next screen choose 'download.' What you will have to choose from is a number of quadrants, each one containing a choice of four mandalas. The site has changed from the last time I went onto it and there is now the option of saving the mandala in your documents, which I find a wonderful new option. When you open the design you've chosen it now uses photo printing - it will also give you the option of the number/size you desire, generally I choose 800/600 and it's perfect.

If you have never been to this site before you might consider browsing the options by just clicking each quadrant and getting an idea of what is available as there are a myriad of different types of design.

In terms of design, I discovered that designs with larger spaced elements that flow easily into each other work best for meditation purposes. Designs with a lot of smaller detail are fine for simply relaxing because you will find yourself just thinking about your choice of colors and how to apply them and so worries and concerns recede - in this way, the mandala work is similar to doing a crossword or suduko puzzle in terms of the effect on your brain.

However, when I try to meditate using the designs with a lot of detail I find that I lose the element of meditation where keeping my hands and eyes busy allows my interior self to flow to a new place which I'm attentive to a simple thought or idea.

To be attentive to a simple thought I often begin by considering my first choice of color and its 'meaning' when referencing either the Universe, Creation or spirituality. The choice of blue might bring to mind the sky: it's overarching presence and then I may simply dwell in this idea of 'overarching presence.' I might choose red and find myself pondering fire or passion, power and might or perhaps a rose and I then let my thoughts circle around this idea. Sometimes I have done some 'nourishing' reading beforehand such as a daily meditation and might choose to think on what I have just read. Sometimes I will choose a thought such as: I am God's love walking on earth or one of my favorites which is from Ralph Waldo Emerson, "I am the organ through which Spirit executes it's will and creative power."

When doing a mandala for meditation I like to make sure I have at least 30 or 40 quiet, hopefully uninterupted, minutes available so I have the opportunity for enough time to truly experience the meditative effect. It's handy to know that you may not finish the mandala in that amount of time so there 's no point in hurrying and I've also discovered that not finishing the one I've begun simply makes me eager to schedule some more time in order to finish.

The materials for a mandala coloring are whatever appeals to you personally. A close friend of mine almost always does hers with markers, crayons offer a wide range of colors - is there much in life more wondrous than a box of 96 crayons! and as I mentioned yesterday, my personal favorite is colored pencils. In terms of quality, my experience is that Crayola make the best in terms of a product that has is easily found - even their colored pencils are good and to be honest I was surprised because inexpensive pencils are normally too 'hard' or do not have good pigment. Crayola however makes excellent colored pencils.

Another website for consideration is coloringcastle.com which offers either 6 or 8 mandalas to print.

Dover Publications puts out a wonderful coloring book called Mystical Mandala Coloring Book which can be found at the larger bookstores. If you discover you really enjoy this activity and want to expand your options, Amazon.com has much to offer.

Blessings to you as you consider exploring new ways of feeding yourself. See you next Wednesday.