Waking up

I spent yesterday pretending to be Mary Magdalene. I tried to forget 'knowing' the whole Easter story and stayed all day in the experience of waking up to life that had ceased to make sense.

I thought of Mary's experience of finding the tomb empty and imagined how she must have panicked believing that someone stolen the body of her beloved. Then I imagined her confusion and fear at seeing Jesus - who was different than before {how exactly he was different we are not told} - and then more confusion and hurt at being told to not touch him. And then, as icing on the cake of confusion, being told to bring the message that he was alive to the others.

As 'believers' we tend to skip the parts of the Easter story that I have just written and I think that is precisely why we often miss the power of this story which is about waking up ... waking up and truly being present to what life is offering right now in this moment. When I say 'life' I am not referring to all the tasks and responsibilities on the days to-do list .. I am talking about the energy of life living in our heart that pushes us beyond comfort and asks if we are willing to live from its life. I sincerely doubt that it was comfortable for Mary to take the message that Jesus was alive to the others. I really, really doubt that they believed her.

I suspect that Mary was left carrying her experience of the tomb at sunrise in the same way we are told that Jesus' mother Mary carried the experience of the Magi arriving and proclaiming that Jesus was the fulfillment of the prophecy: 'she pondered these things in her heart.' I'm sure Mary Magdalene pondered within her heart. One thing I know for sure at age 57 is that accepting new life requires pondering because accepting new life is difficult. So difficult that after doing it a few times - usually in our 20's and 30's, many of us, having learned what the experience is really like, arrange our lives in such a way that we go to great lengths to avoid even being available to be offered anything new. We live instead off the memories of 'once upon a time' or read stories about how other people live. Most of all, we avoid being alone with God at sunrise when one might be propositioned into becoming pregnant with new desires - new dreams - new life.

New life completely rearranges the stepping stones of living. You know those stepping stones of habit and belief that are so solid and predictable that we don't even think about them. New life rearranges them - sometimes even submerges them - and when they are rearranged we tend to appear awkward as we trip on edges that didn't used to be in that place - and as we put our foot down and discover nothing is there, but it was just last week! Often we try living from new life only to discover that it's not fun: initially you may feel stupid; others may laugh. Do you really think 'the others' responded to Mary's proclamation with "oh great, I was hoping Jesus was alive." Not bloody likely: she was carrying a very strange message and she was a woman for heavens sake! Women did not have great status for carrying messages that would change lives! The courage and love of Mary Magadalene was astonishing! So much courage and love is required in order to accept new life.

That is why I suspect that Mary Magdalene must have pondered all of her experience because 'pondering' is one way to feed the new life that is offered and must set down roots in order to grow. For new life to truly take hold within us we need to be willing to be pregnant with it: to feed it, nourish it and allow the growing life to change our shape. Growing new life means that the shape you were must expand ... the mind, the heart, the body will all need to enlarge in order to accommodate new life. If you are willing to do this, eventually the life will be complete enough to be born and then you will labor it into being - and laboring hurts. And then, when you have finally pushed the infant life into being and are exhausted - torn and used up - the new life will be put into your arms and a whole new experience of learning how to feed, nurture and care for this new life will begin.

Go and tell the other I am alive. In those words I hear not so much a command {although it was and Mary did carry it out} but almost a dare: can you take in this experience and live it? Can you believe in life beyond what is rational and reasonable? Can you persevere through being laughed at and told you are crazy?

Easter is an incredible dare! Not so much a dare about Jesus 2000 years ago but about each of us today. What have you always wanted to believe but it just seemed irrational? What has your heart always longed for? Are you willing to get pregnant with new life? Are you willing to allow the new life to change the body of your life? Are you willing to labor new life into being? But the most remarkable question from Easter is the beginning place: are you willing to say yes and go through all of that without any idea of what the outcome is? Truthfully, most of us are not.

Here's a poem by Mary Oliver that I found yesterday when I was trying to live out of the silence of Easter Monday.

Last Days

Things are

changing: things are starting to

spin, snap, fly off into

the blue sleeve of the long

afternoon. The oh and ooh

come whistling out of the perished mouth

of the grass, as things

turn soft, boil back

into substance and hue. As everything

forgetting its own enchantment, whispers:

I too love oblivion; why not it is full

of second chances. Now

hiss the bright curls of the leaves. Now!

booms the muscle of the wind.

Now! Easter booms ... awaken now! Do not forget your own enchantment: it was put there by God to bring life to the world.