the vigor of wonder

I was about ten years old and living in Pennsylvania when I saw my first winter crocus. Probably it was a Spring crocus but in my mind it remains 'winter' because the wonder of seeing the green leaves lying incongruously on snowy ground still stirs in my hear when I think 'crocus'. Poking up from the leaves, the crocus' little purple head courageously braved the elements in order to bring hope to winter-bound hearts. Hope is one of the energies stirred by wonder.


Wonder is an experience of the moment that pushes our view of life beyond rational understanding. The experience of wonder is an amazing conglomeration of sensations evoking surprise, incredulousity, amazement and bewilderment. Wonder astonishes and perplexes. All of those sharp, stirring sensations in an instant. Wonder is instantaneous because it always belongs to now. Wonder cannot be planned. {If you had planned to go outside and find crocuses, they would be pretty and the experience would be pleasant, but not one of wonder.} Wonder occurs when you are fully present to the moment - which is mindfulness: mindful of what is actually present right now.


It's easier than you would think to not see spring-green leaves lying on the snow with a little purple head poking through. Why would this be? Because the crocus is not expected. When you live in a climate with real winter after awhile the periodic barrages of deep chill and snow numbs your senses to anything that might be both bright and warm. It's almost as though after months of this is how it is you dare not hope for anything other than what you expect winter to be. It's really difficult when you are resigned to endless cold and a frozen landscape to see one of the very first signs that change is occurring.


If, however you have not become rigid with resignation - which is what happens when we mutter to ourselves over and over: this is what it is, just accept it, this is what is, just accept, it ... this is what it is {which by the way, is resignation and not acceptance even though you are using the word 'accept'} then you are able to be open to small delights. A crocus is a small delight - barely visible in fact.


Small delights are the crack in the world revealing wonder. Delight: that which gladdens; the ability to relish {to anticipate pleasure}. Do you see where these definitions are taking us? In order to experience wonder you need to be present to the now - mindful - and in order to be present to the moment you need to be open to delight, that is to be expecting pleasure to be part of the moment. If you are not expecting pleasure to happen as simply part of living then our human tendency is to shut down.


Children, most especially toddlers, experience wonder almost continually. Adults experiencing the same world as the child rarely discover as much wonder on their own. I put those last three words in italics because one of the joys of being around a toddler is the tendency to "hitch" ourselves onto their emotional experience of wonder and vicariously enjoy their freedom of experience. Sadly, we almost never have enough clarity in the midst of such an experience to ask and answer ourselves honestly, 'why are they enjoying life so much and I'm not?'

You could answer 'because they don't have any responsibilities. Everything is taken care of for them. Of course they're having fun!' Problem with that answer is that you are only a little bit correct. Of course life is simpler without responsibilities but if you think seriously of what life is like for a toddler, it's not exactly easy: they are learning at a rate they will never again equal in life. They have absolutely no power or control over what happens to them. Virtually all of life surrounding them is in 'giant' size. Yes, their life could be called 'easier' but it's not really easy. However, they are completely and absolutely present to life in the now.

Toddlers and young children by nature practice 'mindfulness' and so are open to life right now. They are able to practice mindfulness naturally for two reasons: one, because the point of their life is to be almost continually learning, which is the natural design for they are making their way through numerous developmental phases that cycle rather quickly. Mindfulness, that is being present to what is actually occurring is necessary for learning to take place. The second reason they are so able to be present to the now is because they have not yet individuated enough to develop defense mechanisms. It is actually adult layers of defense mechanisms that prevent us from being open to the regular delights of a day which then 'prime' us for experiencing wonder.

A flower poking through the snow. How can this be? Because wonder both astonishes and perplexes, wonder evokes how can this be? As a general rule of thumb adults have a difficult time remaining open to experience while the irrational is occurring. The question how can this be? indicates something out of the ordinary - something unexpected - has plopped itself down in the middle of our experience. Experiences of out of the ordinary; of the unexpected; of the irrational tend to make we adults uncomfortable as we have often learned that experiences of that type are trouble. Maybe even painful trouble. Intimations of trouble and/or of potential pain have a tendency to arouse our well-developed defenses.

Defense mechanisms are as naturally acquired in living as the ability to dress yourself in order to go outside for we humans are designed to be survivors. In fact, most defense mechanisms are one of the ways we do 'dress ourselves' to take the inner self out into the world. I'll go into descriptions of defense mechanisms and what are useful and what are not, more deeply in the next couple days but the concept was necessary to bring up as a way of explaining that the more defended we are to life, the less open we are capable of being mindfully present and therefore ready to experience delight and wonder. The reason for this is simply because defense mechanisms are all based in fear and fear closes us down to the 'right now.' Most fear-based people experience 'right now' a day or so later when it has become safe!


In our contemporary culture, one of the fears evoked by how can this be? is that the answer may well be I don't know. Not knowing is very uncomfortable for 'responsible' adults in our culture because life - including educational life - tends to be based on knowing rather than learning. In America, our schools, our work, our major life roles and our career lives tend to be based in the idea that the person who knows the most is the smartest and most capable. Unfortunately this idea contains just a veneer of truth: it is true that school, jobs, life roles and careers all require 'knowing' some things in order to do them well but 'knowing' does not mean the designation 'smart' should be applied.


The 'smartest' people I know are all willing to learn new things. By 'learning new things' I mean these people are really open to and willing to learn what they do not know how to do: the kind of learning that induces feeling awkward, making mistakes, trying over again, semi-giving-up, deciding not to give up and trying again, getting past that obstacle and heading out for the next one with a sense adventure and joy.

The really smart people I know are not nearly as interested in what they know as they are in what they don't know but would like to learn. These smart people have dealt with their defense mechanisms honestly and thoroughly enough so they were able to choose what was really necessary and let go of what was not. To be honest, the only people I know that were able to take on that particular task were people who were willing to say I don't know with openness and curiosity.


It is the ability to live in and explore 'I don't know' rather than just coming up an answer that will open a person to the toddler's capacity for delight and wonder. One of the candles I light each day is done with the affirmation thank you for 'I don't know.' Thank you for creating the emptiness of not knowing in me so the Spirit of delight and creativity may take up residence. When I first began saying those words they were more of an 'idea' than a reality. The reality of my life growing up was that one was supposed to know - not knowing was dangerous.

But the reality of my life in childhood and the reality of my life now are two entirely different realities. I am capable of - actually I am responsible as an adult for - making my own rules for living. One of my 'rules' is that since I believe I have been created 'in the image and likeness of the Creator' I would like my life to express this reality. Expressing life as a 'creator' means having the capacity to 'bring about that which is new.' Bringing about that which is new requires 'not knowing' and even more, it requires being open to learning. Learning as an adult requires being present to 'now' every bit as much as it is necessary to a toddler. It's just more natural for them.


Once I was able to outline that personal creed {I actually wrote out a personal manifesto: a 'creed of belief'} I began to add my beliefs to my daily candle-lighting experience. When I light a candle I am expressing willingness and openness. Willingness and opennes are actually all that is asked of me to grow. Doing the actions with deliberateness and commitment guarantees that in time, the vigor of new growth will occur. Seems foolish to me to refuse to give 15 minutes a day to such a guarantee.