the greatest of these is ....

This coming Thursday I will be selling my bracelets at the Sunset on the Plaza show and so I was making a new one this morning and musing on the amazement that I do this {I make bracelets using vintage buttons}. Amazement because until I began making them last October I would never have described myself as either artistic or craftsy ... I owned thread and needles only in the form of a kit (needles already threaded!) from a hotel which might indicate that sewing was not a hobby of mine.

Curiosity however is one of my hobbies and I've discovered in a few decades of living that when curiosity leads our hearts and minds in the direction of something that seems to be beckoning us with unusual interest, it is best to say yes .... even when you have no idea of what will happen and the "rational" ego keeps clamoring that you do not know what you are doing. FYI: the 'rational' ego prefers that we never dislodge it's place as 'boss' of our psyche by moving out of the status-quo and so it will constantly tell you that whatever this 'new' idea you are having is 'fraught with peril.' I happen to firmly believe that saying 'shut up' is one of the rudest phrases in the world but I do say it to my ego because my ego would prefer I remain 'little' for the rest of my life - just tell it to shut up: it is a bully and like all bullies being 'bullied' back makes it shrink.

Back to the joy of curiosity: I truly had absolutely no idea of 'how' to make a bracelet from buttons when I went over to my ex-husbands house to reclaim the tins of buttons from my Gramsy and Mom. The trip to my ex-husband's house was motivated by a conversation with my sister-in-law the weekend before when she was telling me about an art exhibit she had been to and the artist had made all kinds of interesting 'sculptures' using buttons. This led to us talking about buttons and how I have always been attracted to buttons as I find even the very simple old buttons of white shell very beautiful. Once the tins had been reclaimed I spent several evenings sorting them - the one's from my Gramsy were primarily white - into piles according to shape, size and material. Quite soon in the sorting my fingers learned that although they seemed more or less the same - they were primarily white - they in fact had different textures from different materials. I knew nothing about the history of buttons and apart from the easily fathomed facts that some were shell and most were not plastic because of their age, I had no usable information.

No usable information except one thing: I loved sorting them. I loved feeling the texture, I loved the fact that even very old shell buttons had carvings to move them past simply useful and into the realm of beauty and I loved feeling the 'energy' of the women who had held them and carefully sewed them onto garments. I felt the energy of hope in the itty-bitty buttons for the gowns of newborns, I felt combined feelings of hope and worry in the tiny pearl buttons that had been sewn onto my mothers wedding gown; I felt woman-weariness in buttons holding a ridiculous amount of thread - much more thread used than was necessary but a woman sewing buttons got to sit and sitting for a woman at that time was a rare treat. New energy - new awareness and new desire began to flow into me as evening after evening, I sorted buttons.

The new desire that began to flow was an idea that perhaps I would make bracelets for my sisters as Christmas gifts using buttons from my Gramsy and Mom. I figured that no matter how they turned out, the would at least be a keepsake and I knew my sisters would appreciate them for that alone, as well as the idea that I had made them. The idea became stronger and stronger and here's the amazing part of the story: I gathered the materials I needed {not that I really knew exactly what I needed - I don't sew for heavens sake!} without telling myself that I didn't know how to do this, and I didn't know if it would turn out well and I didn't pay attention to the worry that the bracelets might look dumb.

Many times since I began this adventure I have asked myself what was it that pushed me past my normal obstacles? What was it that allowed me to do this activity that is well outside my normal boundaries of what I do?

Love is the answer. I love my sisters and really desired to give them something special for Christmas and I had very little discretionary money for gifts. I love the idea of making something as a gift because the concept of exchanging creative energy with those I love is a firm belief of mine. I loved the idea of adding to what I think of as the 'string of pearls' that is the web of family and heritage that goes back and forth through generations. I loved how I felt when I played with the buttons. I loved the buttons.

Five big helpings of love pushed me past my normal limitations of: don't know how, don't have the time when it might be a big waste, don't want to look stupid, don't want to feel awkward as I learn something completely new and - this one is big - I'm really not artistic or craftsy. This is exactly and precisely what love does: it expands us past our limitation and fears if we say yes.

If we say yes however is a really big if because all those 'don'ts' I just listed are part of the negative thinking of our defense system that normally we are not even aware of because those don'ts just seem like reasonable realities - we don't even hear the negativity because they just seem realistic and reasonable - especially since I could add another very real limitation at the time which was that I did not have any extra money to 'waste' on buying do-dads for an experiment that quite possibly would not work out. But love won out - and to be honest, I am amazed at that reality because it needed to push up against a lot of obstacles. And I like the fact that I'm still amazed by the fact that love won over fear in that situation because the amazement keeps the wonder of creation alive in me and since it is the season of Spring, wonder at love and it's capacity to create new life is a very important fact.

Spring is the season offering us energy for birthing new life - if only we are willing to be willing to say yes. Willing to be willing. This is the great reality of life: we don't have to actually do anything all at once: we just need to be willing to take a first step and then perhaps the willingness to the second step will be born. Taking a first step {going and retrieving the tins} and then being willing to be willing {sorting the buttons} and then allowing the second step to appear {buying materials I had only a vague idea of} and then one evening I said okay when I 'heard' the bell go off and some mysterious energy said "begin making a bracelet." Willing to be willing is secret to shutting up the ego -- it is our ego all wrapped in the finery of its defense system that whispers that we need to have ALL the answers and KNOW exactly how things will turn out.

Here's the other secret: you never, ever know exactly or even mostly how anything will turn out. Failing last week does not mean you will fail this week even if you do the same thing. When I became pregnant for the first time I assumed I would birth a child. This is a logical assumption but actually no guarantee as becoming pregnant may well end in miscarriage or stillbirth. Even if the pregnancy goes well and a healthy birth results, you have no idea of what the journey of motherhood and parenthood will be or how it will turn out. Yet, despite that reality, women get pregnant all the time and assume the risks attached to allowing a sperm to join to an egg in their body. Why? Because life loves life and this inherent love expands life.

Inherent love expands life. That's why the greatest of faith, hope and love is love. Love always expands life and the more often we can love - including the tiny moments of love that elicit a thank you {and there are at least 100 of those in each day. See yesterday's posting} the more we expand ourselves into the service of life.

The service of life is love. I know this to be true, which is not at all the same as understanding it. I know that by saying yes to those buttons I discovered a new part of myself that is artistic. As I became willing to embrace this infant artist within me that part of self has grown in ways I could not even fathom last October. The oddest experience in all of this is that it is as though 'Mary' has been given a new set set of clothes: I'm still me with the same gifts and character defects, but I wear 'me' differently now. What I do understand - while not understanding it at all - is that I probably would not be doing this blog if I had not said yes to the buttons - even though 'writer' is one of my best known parts of self. The buttons 'grew' me: they grew a new kind of courage out of love ... which is the intention of Life: to grow our courage so we might be of service to it with love.

Oh, I just remembered, that is why I picked the nest as todays picture. Last week I was sitting on the patio and a little dove jumped onto the wall, looked at me, looked at the plants with their lovely stringy stems, looked at me again and chose to ignore my presense and her fear that was a survival instinct! She had a nest to build and by golly no fear of humans was going to prevent her instinct to provide a nest for bringing life into the world! She hopped onto the patio and began testing the different stems, found one to her liking, plucked it and flew to the eaves where her nest being built. And then back she flew again and repeated the whole sequence including her looking at me again and deciding the need to build a nest for the eggs of life was more important that her fear of humans. I've kept that scene in my heart for the past week or more remembering: surrender is faith that the power of love can accomplish anything even when you cannot forsee the outcome. {Deepak Chopra} May Spring grant you the courage to build a nest for your eggs of life.